likesthecoat | [log: for Lorne]

"I...I'm not sure I understand," Lorne says. "What do you mean you made them leave?"

"Remember when I told you about Retcon?"

Lorne pauses before answering. He has an idea where this might be going, and he doesn't like it, but he doesn't want to sound disapproving before Ianto's even said anything. "The pill that makes you forget? Yeah, I remember," he says quietly.

"I . . . used it," Ianto says miserably. "On them. To get them out of Cardiff and somewhere safe."

"Did you have reason to think they weren't safe in Cardiff?"

"This was right after Canary Wharf," Ianto says quietly. "I didn't think anywhere was safe. But I thought, if I could get them out of Cardiff, away from the Rift, away from Torchwood, it wouldn't touch them in any way.

"I admit I wasn't thinking the most clearly at the time. But I thought it was the right thing to do.

"And when people say, Oh, it's so wonderful that your family is so close . . ." He stops and frowns deeply. "Well, it feels like a lie. It is a lie. We used to be close but we're not anymore, because it's the only way I can be sure they'll be safe."

"Oh, Ianto," Lorne sighs, pulling Ianto into a hug.

"I meant what I said before. There's very little a good person wouldn't do for their family."

Ianto buries his head in Lorne's neck and wraps his arms tight around his chest. "They think I'm too depressed for a real job," he mutters into Lorne's shoulder. "They think I don't visit because I don't want to see my brothers with their wives, with their babies . . . I know my mother was relieved to meet you because maybe now I won't kill myself, now that I've got a friend." He pulls back and looks at Lorne unhappily. "And I can't tell them the truth, not about anything."

"Shit, babe," Lorne says and cups Ianto's cheek in his hand. "I assume you've told them you're okay? That you like your job? I know it probably doesn't help when they can't see that you're okay."

He kisses Ianto's forehead and pulls him close again. "I know it's hard, babe. And there's not really anything I can say to make it better. But I'm here with you, and I understand. I really do."

Ianto leans his cheek into Lorne's hand. "If I were okay, I would be around them a lot more. It's the best cover story I could have found, because it was mostly true: if I'm grieving, if I'm not feeling social, nobody expects me to want to attend the suppers and the parties.

"Only I didn't think of what they'd think I kept on grieving, if I kept on not visiting. It's like any other lie: it's out of my control now." He sighs heavily, leaning into Lorne's warm, solid body.

"And visiting more often isn't an option?" Lorne asks, carding his fingers softly through Ianto's hair. "I mean, what if you started going to see them again? Or made sure you always called on special occasions?

"They're worried about you, and that's understandable. They'll worry less if they hear from you often."

"I can't make any promises," Ianto says wearily. "I never know when I'll be called on. Aliens don't understand about Christmas, you know.

"And how can I explain to them that the tourist office needs me to work overnight? Or that work put me in hospital?" He shakes his head. "I know you want to make it better, love. I know you do. But it's a mess, and it'll stay a mess until I don't work for Torchwood anymore. And then I'll either be dead or I won't remember anything anyway."

Lorne tightens his arms around Ianto. "So visit when you can. Surprise them now and again. Your mom won't care if it's Christmas or New Year's or October 3rd. She'll just be happy to see you.

"You can't push them away until things sort themselves out. If you do, when the time comes for you to leave Torchwood, you'll find you don't know them at all. And they won't know you either."

He sighs and rests his forehead against Ianto's. "Trust me, it's better to spend whatever time you can with them than to worry about how much time you have to spend apart."

"I do miss them." He rubs his forehead against Lorne's a little, craving contact of any kind. "It's just . . . so many people have already died. If anything happened to them I'd never forgive myself. Maybe it's nonsense and I'm just being paranoid . . . but it seems like Torchwood doesn't leave anyone untouched." He pulls away to smile wryly. "It's terrible of me, but sometimes I'm relieved you're so far away. If my old boss had known about Atlantis she'd've had her hands on it any way she could."

"I can understand that too. Feeling like you're dragging them into something dangerous and they don't even know they're being dragged." He cups hands behind Ianto's neck and rubs Ianto's temples with his thumbs.

"The ironic thing is, sometimes I'm glad you're so far away too. Atlantis is amazing, but nowhere in Pegasus is truly safe. And as far as your boss wanting her hands on it, well...she'd be at the back of an awfully long line."

Ianto hangs onto Lorne's wrists and leans their foreheads together again. "Say you'll never die," he says quietly. "I don't care if you mean it. I just need to hear it."

"Christ, Ianto, I..." He closes his eyes for a moment, and when he opens them, they're shining. "I'll never die," he whispers, and the words tear at his heart.

Ianto kisses him hard, and wraps his arms around him and buries his face in his shoulder. "All my friends died," he mutters into Lorne's neck. "You understand how that feels? All of them. Lisa was all I had left. People I used to see plays with and go pub crawling with and dance with and see every day . . . all gone.

"I just need to hear it sometimes. Doesn't matter if it's true. Of course it's not true. But it doesn't matter."

Lorne has nothing to say to this. Any words he can come up with fall so short of helping. So he just clings to Ianto, wraps his arms around him and holds him as tight as he can.

After a few minutes Ianto pulls away again. He looks embarrassed. "So. One of my deeper, darker secrets. Still love me?"

Lorne holds Ianto's face in his hands and kisses him softly. "Of course I do. We both have deep, dark secrets, Ianto, but I'll always love you."

Ianto kisses him briefly and exhales. "I love you too, sweetheart."

"That's all I need to know, babe," Lorne says, brushing his thumb over Ianto's cheekbone.

"Now," he takes Ianto's hand, "why don't you show me around the Bay?"

Ianto smiles and takes Lorne's other hand too, and pulls him along the wharf. "To your left, there's water," he begins.

[ooc: And wrap?]

[ooc: Yes, I think so.]

[log: for Lorne]

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