[Private to Hakkai]

I needed a break from things. We all tend to be so tightly knit here--and look at all the love affairs that have sprung up--and I didn't want anybody to feel they had to take sides.

I . . . realized something. You see, the thing about Torchwood employees is, they tend to die young. Very few people retire from Torchwood. And after all the hoping and planning to join Lorne at his assignment, when I was turned away I just . . . I tried to hold on. I honestly did. But it just got more and more apparent to me that now was all we had and to hope for a day that would never come . . . I couldn't do that to either of us.

And the fact is I'm not very good at long distance. I like having a lover I can talk to and touch. Not just like it--need it. This job is hard enough without some kind of human contact to keep us grounded--which is why I'm glad Owen found the two of you--and I was feeling like I had all the commitments of a relationship with none of the benefits.

And I'm ashamed of this. I should be stronger. I should be more loving. I should be better, but I'm not. I'd rather have a body in my bed than a promise.

We should meet for drinks sometime. It'll be good to see you more often.