It's a horrible feeling, but sometimes you have to just back away from the situation because it's only going to bring you more pain than anything else.
Given the unconstrained nature of your relationship with Jack, I don't think it's really fair for you to put yourself in the position of feeling uncomfortable about pursuing relationships, or potential relationships, with other people. If you haven't discussed boundaries, you're not breaking any rules, and if you don't feel that you can discuss boundaries or make rules without fear of scaring the other party off, then is it really something worth missing out on other things for?
I have no idea what Jack does or does not want from you, which is fine, but the fact that you don't know and seem wary of even contemplating it, let alone asking, worries me somewhat. I also have no idea whether or not Lorne would be interested in having that sort of relationship with you-- he is, as you've said, a military man, and as I understand it, having "that sort" or relationship would pretty much end his career... And even if it didn't, then there's the logistics of it, such as him getting posted somewhere you actually have a chance of seeing him, ever.
I am, as you probably already know, a big advocate of permanent. I like stability, and honesty and feeling... secure. And I do believe that if (and allow me to slip into romance-novel territory for a moment here) two people really are "right" for one another, they will be able to overcome difficult circumstances in order to be together. But it's hard. And sometimes people... aren't, and if they're not, then it's probably because they weren't right for each other to begin with.
I don't know why you're attracted to Lorne. I don't think it's simply a matter of you being "screwed up", or that you're looking for something to "pine for", though. You're smarter than that. However, you've been through a lot in the last few months, and considering that you're involved in a relationship that is... tenuous, it's possible that on some level, you are looking for an excuse to either strengthen or break that bond, and the presence of a third party would be a good incentive to go in one direction or the other. That doesn't make you screwed up, it makes you confused and in a difficult situation. The other possibility is that you and Lorne are just very much mentally and emotionally compatible, and you're ridiculously unlucky given the timing of your meeting and both your current life circumstances. That's possible too.
The fact is, though, it doesn't matter which of these things things is true; regardless, Lorne is very far away, and if he were to be involved with you it would mean a major (no pun intended) life change for him. That said... he may be willing, or, indeed, happy, to do this. You don't know, really. And you won't, either, until you ask him. Which you should, I think. Because while you may be a bit helpless in all of this regardless of how much information you have, the less you know, the worse your position, as a general rule.
As to Jack... If you haven't set down any rules, then you're free to explore whatever else might come your way in the mean time. If he can't accept that, then maybe he might start giving you some indication of where he's expecting this to go, and how much he's willing to give you.
God, this is all so terribly depressing. I wish I could give you better --or at least more cheerful-- advice. Do me a favour, will you? At some point in your life, when you're not in the middle of awful, monumental, life-altering decisions, give me a call and ask me for advice on something simple, like, "Near, I need help with deciphering this code," or, "Near, where can I buy Lego at four in the morning?" or even "Near, I'm stuck in these handcuffs and I can't get out".
I really would actually liked to be able to be of proper assistance to you on one of these occasions when you ask for help.
no subject
It's a horrible feeling, but sometimes you have to just back away from the situation because it's only going to bring you more pain than anything else.
Given the unconstrained nature of your relationship with Jack, I don't think it's really fair for you to put yourself in the position of feeling uncomfortable about pursuing relationships, or potential relationships, with other people. If you haven't discussed boundaries, you're not breaking any rules, and if you don't feel that you can discuss boundaries or make rules without fear of scaring the other party off, then is it really something worth missing out on other things for?
I have no idea what Jack does or does not want from you, which is fine, but the fact that you don't know and seem wary of even contemplating it, let alone asking, worries me somewhat. I also have no idea whether or not Lorne would be interested in having that sort of relationship with you-- he is, as you've said, a military man, and as I understand it, having "that sort" or relationship would pretty much end his career... And even if it didn't, then there's the logistics of it, such as him getting posted somewhere you actually have a chance of seeing him, ever.
I am, as you probably already know, a big advocate of permanent. I like stability, and honesty and feeling... secure. And I do believe that if (and allow me to slip into romance-novel territory for a moment here) two people really are "right" for one another, they will be able to overcome difficult circumstances in order to be together. But it's hard. And sometimes people... aren't, and if they're not, then it's probably because they weren't right for each other to begin with.
I don't know why you're attracted to Lorne. I don't think it's simply a matter of you being "screwed up", or that you're looking for something to "pine for", though. You're smarter than that. However, you've been through a lot in the last few months, and considering that you're involved in a relationship that is... tenuous, it's possible that on some level, you are looking for an excuse to either strengthen or break that bond, and the presence of a third party would be a good incentive to go in one direction or the other. That doesn't make you screwed up, it makes you confused and in a difficult situation. The other possibility is that you and Lorne are just very much mentally and emotionally compatible, and you're ridiculously unlucky given the timing of your meeting and both your current life circumstances. That's possible too.
The fact is, though, it doesn't matter which of these things things is true; regardless, Lorne is very far away, and if he were to be involved with you it would mean a major (no pun intended) life change for him. That said... he may be willing, or, indeed, happy, to do this. You don't know, really. And you won't, either, until you ask him. Which you should, I think. Because while you may be a bit helpless in all of this regardless of how much information you have, the less you know, the worse your position, as a general rule.
As to Jack... If you haven't set down any rules, then you're free to explore whatever else might come your way in the mean time. If he can't accept that, then maybe he might start giving you some indication of where he's expecting this to go, and how much he's willing to give you.
God, this is all so terribly depressing. I wish I could give you better --or at least more cheerful-- advice. Do me a favour, will you? At some point in your life, when you're not in the middle of awful, monumental, life-altering decisions, give me a call and ask me for advice on something simple, like, "Near, I need help with deciphering this code," or, "Near, where can I buy Lego at four in the morning?" or even "Near, I'm stuck in these handcuffs and I can't get out".
I really would actually liked to be able to be of proper assistance to you on one of these occasions when you ask for help.