likesthecoat | [internet cafe] Near . . . you're too far away

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[internet cafe] Near . . . you're too far away

[Filtered to Near]

I miss you and need to talk to you. Get out of bed already.

I will forgive you your wretched pun because you said you needed me. Bear in mind that you only get one per post, so there will be no cracks about my height today, yes?

Sorry I haven't been on very much; Matt's leaving for New York in a few days, so I've been... clinging, frankly.

Anyway, you rang?

You're forgiven for being clingy. I'd probably be the same in your situation.

I'm in need of your objective opinion, O Near. Things are . . . complicated.

Jack and I are together and it's great and wonderful and I'm happy . . . and then there's Lorne. I feel myself falling for him every day and it's scaring the fuck out of me. I adore Jack and I want him all the time, and I think I could have something real with Lorne except that he's on some super-secret assignment and I may never see him, and I feel like I'm going a little crazy.

I don't know what to do and I can't even think straight about it.

Help. You're the wisest person I know.

...If I'm the wisest person you know, I think you need to meet more people...?

Seriously, I'm not sure what to tell you, beyond the fact that you clearly have an unfortunate habit of falling for unavailable people, but I'm betting you already noticed that.

Unfortunately, I don't know what advice there is to give you, mostly I'm not sure there's anything you can actually do. Lorne is very far away, and considering how completely miserable he was the last time he was home (which, incidentally, is in the US, so even if he were back, he wouldn't be anywhere near you), I don't think he's in any rush back. You know that. It's terrible that circumstances are between the two of you like this, because I like you both very much and I think you'd make an excellent match, but... it happens. Sometimes circumstances keep people apart-- even people who would be wonderful together. I'm guessing from the fact that you said you think you could have something with him, that you have indications that he feels the same? Have you talked about this with him at all?

As to Jack... I don't know. Could you really be falling for Lorne (you realize that you might want to start calling him by his actual first name now, yes?) if things there were perfect? There must be something holding you back from committing yourself there completely. How are things really? Do you talk? Have you given much thought to where this is going? Do you know where you want it to?

This, of course, brings me to the inevitable question: what do you want to do? Of the feasible choices that are available to you (and barring things like finding out where Lorne is and sneaking out there and kidnapping him and running off to Mexico to live in sin building boats or something), which one seems most desirable to you?

I wish I could be more help, but it seems to me like your situation is very much out of your control, and I don't know how much there is you can do about it.

Allow me to modify that: you're the wisest person I know that I can talk to about this.

You're right, there really isn't anything I can do. I don't like feeling this way at all.

Lorne and I (and no, I don't think he'd want me calling him by his first name even now) haven't talked about 'us' as such. There have been moments when we've both come very close to it, I think, but he really can't go further, the American military being what it is, and I haven't felt that I should, under my circumstances.

When it comes to commitment and all that: no, Jack and I haven't talked about that, and I don't think it's something he would be interested in. I've been trying to just enjoy it one day at a time and not think about the future; Jack being Jack, he may get tired of me tomorrow, he may want me around for the next thirty years. I just don't know and I try not to think about it much, to be honest.

I know they both would give me vastly different relationships: being with Jack is fun and passionate and friendly but not serious, and if I'm reading Lorne right (and I think I am) being with him would be . . . god. Permanent.

Which is rather terrifying.

But there's so much he'd have to give up to be with me and I can't ask him to do that on the chance that we might actually have something. And I can't ask Jack to step aside and wait while I give Lorne a try, that wouldn't be fair to either of them.

They're both good men--very different from other each other, but similar, at least, in that.

And I'm wondering at the moment if the attraction to Lorne is more due to his unavailability than anything else--now that I have Jack, I want something else to pine after? Am I that screwed up?

Wow, I definitely feel special now...

It's a horrible feeling, but sometimes you have to just back away from the situation because it's only going to bring you more pain than anything else.

Given the unconstrained nature of your relationship with Jack, I don't think it's really fair for you to put yourself in the position of feeling uncomfortable about pursuing relationships, or potential relationships, with other people. If you haven't discussed boundaries, you're not breaking any rules, and if you don't feel that you can discuss boundaries or make rules without fear of scaring the other party off, then is it really something worth missing out on other things for?

I have no idea what Jack does or does not want from you, which is fine, but the fact that you don't know and seem wary of even contemplating it, let alone asking, worries me somewhat. I also have no idea whether or not Lorne would be interested in having that sort of relationship with you-- he is, as you've said, a military man, and as I understand it, having "that sort" or relationship would pretty much end his career... And even if it didn't, then there's the logistics of it, such as him getting posted somewhere you actually have a chance of seeing him, ever.

I am, as you probably already know, a big advocate of permanent. I like stability, and honesty and feeling... secure. And I do believe that if (and allow me to slip into romance-novel territory for a moment here) two people really are "right" for one another, they will be able to overcome difficult circumstances in order to be together. But it's hard. And sometimes people... aren't, and if they're not, then it's probably because they weren't right for each other to begin with.

I don't know why you're attracted to Lorne. I don't think it's simply a matter of you being "screwed up", or that you're looking for something to "pine for", though. You're smarter than that. However, you've been through a lot in the last few months, and considering that you're involved in a relationship that is... tenuous, it's possible that on some level, you are looking for an excuse to either strengthen or break that bond, and the presence of a third party would be a good incentive to go in one direction or the other. That doesn't make you screwed up, it makes you confused and in a difficult situation. The other possibility is that you and Lorne are just very much mentally and emotionally compatible, and you're ridiculously unlucky given the timing of your meeting and both your current life circumstances. That's possible too.

The fact is, though, it doesn't matter which of these things things is true; regardless, Lorne is very far away, and if he were to be involved with you it would mean a major (no pun intended) life change for him. That said... he may be willing, or, indeed, happy, to do this. You don't know, really. And you won't, either, until you ask him. Which you should, I think. Because while you may be a bit helpless in all of this regardless of how much information you have, the less you know, the worse your position, as a general rule.

As to Jack... If you haven't set down any rules, then you're free to explore whatever else might come your way in the mean time. If he can't accept that, then maybe he might start giving you some indication of where he's expecting this to go, and how much he's willing to give you.

God, this is all so terribly depressing. I wish I could give you better --or at least more cheerful-- advice. Do me a favour, will you? At some point in your life, when you're not in the middle of awful, monumental, life-altering decisions, give me a call and ask me for advice on something simple, like, "Near, I need help with deciphering this code," or, "Near, where can I buy Lego at four in the morning?" or even "Near, I'm stuck in these handcuffs and I can't get out".

I really would actually liked to be able to be of proper assistance to you on one of these occasions when you ask for help.

Near. Just accept the compliment in the spirit in which it's intended, would you? I trust you. That's the long and the short of it.

I don't think it's really fair for you to put yourself in the position of feeling uncomfortable about pursuing relationships

I feel uncomfortable about it because that's me. When I'm free, I'm free; when I'm with someone, I'm with them. And I consider myself with Jack right now because . . . well, I'm not really sure why, it just sits best with me. The truth of it is, I don't know what Jack wants or doesn't want with me either, aside from the obvious; and while I'm enjoying the obvious very much I just don't want to bring up the possibility of more just yet. Or less, for that matter. It's too soon, we're too new, and Jack doesn't do commitment on a general basis, as far as I can tell. (I know he's had serious relationships in the past, insofar as he's referred to boyfriends and girlfriends, but if that's what he wants with me it just hasn't come up yet.)

And to be perfectly honest, I'm almost afraid to ask because I don't want to hear him say he's seeing other people. I just don't. If he is, I'd just rather not know.

I also have no idea whether or not Lorne would be interested in having that sort of relationship with you-- he is, as you've said, a military man, and as I understand it, having "that sort" or relationship would pretty much end his career.

Yes. How do you ask someone to give up their life's dream for you? You can't, not really, and so I've tried to avoid it whenever we've gotten close. Oh, lord, Near, there have been so many times I've just wanted to reach through the computer monitor and pull him here. It's driving me crazy to want to know and not be able to find out if I'm kidding myself or not--if I'm seeing things that aren't there, yeah?

I'll tell you something: I don't believe in soul mates. I think love is largely a matter of timing and circumstance, and I don't think there's just One Person for everyone. But that's not to say I don't believe love can be lasting and permanent--it's just very difficult to figure out what that is.

The other possibility is that you and Lorne are just very much mentally and emotionally compatible, and you're ridiculously unlucky given the timing of your meeting and both your current life circumstances.

Yes. That's occurred to me. He's wherever-the-hell-he-is and I have the person I've been wanting for months, and it's just . . . right thing, wrong time. Utterly.

. . . I know how to get myself out of handcuffs. But I'll definitely call you if I'm ever in desperate need for Lego.

I know. I was just attempting to inject some humour into the comment in the only place I could see a spot for some, because I don't have very many friends and I would prefer not to drive the few I do have to committing suicide due to the depressing nature of my comments. I appreciate the thought, though. I trust you, as well-- that's why I asked you and Sam over next week, if you wanted to/can come. There aren't very many people I'd expose myself to in the state I expect to be in.

If you're fine with things as they are, then that's one thing, but... Don't take this the wrong way, Ianto, but you seem so very afraid about so much. It can't be good for you to be so scared about the realities of the person you're with. You doubt... You doubt everything-- how much he wants you, where he wants this to go, whether or not he's with just you... everything. And you're expecting more of yourself than you are of him, which (in my experience at least) never works out well. And it's horribly unfair, too. If you really are all right with that, then fine, but if you were... I don't think you'd have let yourself develop these feelings for Lorne, and I don't think you'd be talking to me about it, either.

I'm going to ask you this, and I know you're not going to answer, but you should at least force yourself to think about the question, if nothing else: do you love Lorne? Because... I think you do. It's not the same as it is with Jack-- you're talking about a "permanent" relationship with a man you've never met. So obviously, it's not just physical. And if I'm right... Don't you think you owe it to yourself --and to him-- to at least talk about exploring that with him? You're a wonderful person, Ianto. You'll make someone a very good partner one day. And I like Lorne a lot, I think he's someone who could make someone a wonderful partner, as well, so... Think about it. And... think about talking to him, too.

I didn't believe in soul mates before I was with Matt. And I don't say 'met' him, because it wasn't love at first sight. I've known him since I was eight years old and I barely looked at him until under a year ago. I certainly never thought he was my soul mate. But eventually it just got to the point where I realized... my life would be incomplete without him. If we weren't together anymore, for whatever reason... I would be more than bereaved. A part of me would be missing. I could never love anyone else, because the only reason I ever had for having feelings would be gone. Everyone I met would be compared to him, and found lacking, and it wouldn't be fair on them.

I know it's not like that for everyone. It wouldn't want to be, or the world would just be... well, it would cease to exist as we know it. I know myself and Matt are... ridiculously co-dependent, is the term. I wouldn't change it, though.

Anyway, my point is this: there may not be just one person for everyone, but if I know anything it's that finding one person that you can love-- really love, in the sense of wanting to wake up with them every morning and go to sleep beside them every night, and honestly imagine being around for the rest of your life without knowing that you'd be itching for freedom or be left feeling unfulfilled... It doesn't happen very often. I can't imagine ever being so lucky to find that twice; I'm amazed that it happened for me even once. But if it does --every time it does-- you owe it to yourself to go after it.

...Oh, you do, do you? Ooh, now I really do know something. Thanks for that.

Offer stands for next week, by the way. Pick Sam up and drag him down here. I'm sure we can find all manner of trouble to get into.

[ooc: Ianto is going to answer this but I think it should wait until I'm home from work so I can concentrate.

*hugs Near* He's so awesome.]

[Replying with a different Near account, lolz. In middle of stuff and can't log out, but wanted to say that's fine with me, have him comment back to Near's essay-ass reply and we can delete these two after.

Ianto is win too. I am so hoping we can get those two and Sam together in a room. The world would explode of awesome from that, I think.]

Do I love him?

Wow. You know how to ask the hard questions.

I don't know. I don't know what I feel. I like him very much, but love . . . that's where I get hung up on us never having met in person and start thinking I'm just projecting what I want on someone who'll always remain a fantasy.

As for Jack . . . we're friends. We're friends who happen to sleep together and I suspect it ought to stay that way. It's so fragile right now, this whatever-between-us, I feel like it'll collapse if I try to put any more weight on it.

I'm trying to be simple about this: Jack is here and he wants me. Lorne is not here and I don't know if he wants me. And that's all it is.

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[internet cafe] Near . . . you're too far away

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