[filtered]

[likesthecoat]

[Filtered to Lorne]

I feel very strange without you. I'm used to missing you; but without being able to pop online and see your replies it's a new and different kind of missing, and I don't like it.

Not that I like the other kind, either, but . . . you know what I mean.

I've had two dreams about you this week. Both of them good. One of them also was kind of about my nephew Rhodri who sometimes (you know how things are in dreams, things change all the time) was also our child . . . I woke up from that one confused but glad.

All I can say is that it's been on my mind since Rhodri was born. Euan and I were always close when I was growing up, so I suppose his becoming a father has made my own desire for it a bit more pronounced. And I have wanted it, I can't deny that. Sometimes I still do. Sometimes I think it's a mad thing to want and it would only be asking for trouble.

God, this is very serious, isn't it? Just showing you the places my mind has been going lately--if it has the side effect of scaring you off, I apologize.

Let me tell you a story. When my niece Carys was three years old Lisa and I were watching her one afteroon, and the two of them took a nap while I read in the lounge. Carys didn't want to sleep, though, so she came out to find me: I heard her creeping around, trying to keep quiet by walking on her toes, though she didn't try to hide, really. So I'd watch her over the top of my book and she'd pick her way into the lounge and then out again, and finally when she got tired of this she climbed up into the armchair with me and got under my arm. She didn't say anything and neither did I--she didn't even ask me to read to her, she just leaned her head against my chest and went back to sleep, just like that.

I love that much trust.

I'm sure I'll get over this eventually, like when I remember how much work babies are.

Still miss you.

[ooc: Comments are adult contenty.]

Comments

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

You know, Sam asked me if I wanted kids in the last round of 5 questions, and that kind of got me thinking too.

I mean, I like kids, and they like me, and I used to think of it as one of those things you just did. Go to college, get married, start a family. It's still kind of a nice thought, really.

The last time I visited my mom, we went to see a guy I'd gone to high school with, and his wife had just had a baby. I remember Josh just sort of shoving this tiny, little newborn into my arms. He was just so tiny and...helpless really. Completely dependent on whoever was taking care of him.

And we see a lot of orphans out here.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. Just that you're not scaring me off, I guess. I've definitely thought about these things before.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

It scares me to think about it in any kind of serious way.

No, that's not entirely true. It scares me now. It used to not. Hard to believe I was ever that innocent.

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

It's definitely a scary thing. Especially in our line of work. There have been times, though, when I've just wanted to bring one back with me. When they've just lost their parents, or they're so young they don't really comprehend yet what's happened to them. I think that's probably me wanting to take responsibility for everything around me though.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

Oh, Lorne. *holds tight*

It's that possibility of leaving a child alone and helpless that scares me most, I think. like with Rhodri last week--he can't even lift his head yet. They're so helpless, and it's such a big terrible world . . .

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

But it's also such a wonderful and amazing universe. And that's something you could share with them.

Actually, lately, when I've got the fathering bug, I've considered adoption. If the kid's already in this big, terrible world, it can only help him to have someone to help him deal with it, yeah?

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

We don't get as much wonder here as you do, I suspect.

That's the way to do it, really. Give a child a chance at happiness.

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

It kills me to hear you say things like that.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

Which? About the wonder?

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

Yes.

I just...It's the wonder that makes it bearable for me out here. It's what makes me happy to be needed here, happy that I was fortunate enough to have met the right people, to have excelled in the right areas to end up in this program.

I'd like to think that you had a bit of that as well.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I find something that's really amazing, but the effects of it . . . often aren't.

Don't worry about me. I think I'd have to actually leave Earth to actually experience wonder, and that just . . . I don't know. I don't know if I could. I'm not an explorer by nature.

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

I can understand that. You remember when McKay was dying? The machine that did that to him seemed pretty cool for a while, until the whole impending death thing came into play.

You don't find wonder in anything on Earth?

(I can't imagine not wanting to explore other planets when given the option.)

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

I was thinking mostly of alien wonder, but there are something about Earth that are brilliant. Things that I want to see, things I have seen and places I've been.

I'm just a homebody, I suppose. I have traveled but not much--not farther away than Greece, which has so many British tourists it's almost like behind at home anyway.

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

I guess I've just always wanted to see new places. My dad used to come home with these fantastic stories of things he'd seen and places he'd been. It seemed like everything wonderful was always happening far away from home.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

You know, I wonder if that's an American thing. I don't mind seeing new places but I want a home to come back to, not a new place to settle in.

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

I'm finding that I rather like having a home to come back to, but until I came here, I didn't really have a problem with moving my home to a new location every 18 months or so. I don't think it's an American thing, necessarily. I know plenty of Americans who have strong ties to a particular place they think of as home.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

I was homesick for Wales every day that I lived in London. I mean, it was great to be in such an exciting city, but it never was home.

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

That's how I feel about the base. It's home in a way that nowhere else ever has been.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

The way you've described the base I can see that. All the stars and ocean . . .

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

It's not just that, though. I mean, I love the stars (hundreds of stars, all new and beautiful) and the ocean, but...

It's hard to describe to someone who's never been here. Not to mention the fact that it's all classified. It's just such an amazing place, and would still be amazing no matter where it was.

I used to think it was perfect.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

"Used to"? What happened to change that?

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

You did.

You aren't here, so it can't be perfect.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

Somehow I knew that.

I want to be there.

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

God, I wish you were.


[ooc: Got to go. Jet lag is catching up :).]

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

Would have been wonderfl to give you a proper welcome home. You know, on top of that not-cashmere blanket.

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

Mmmm...you still paint the prettiest pictures, Ianto.