likesthecoat | [filtered]

The only people who don't know about Jack and me are the new members and the others from Torchwood. I didn't keep it a secret when we first started, and Jack never talks about anything personal anyway.

I told him I didn't. I was hurt he even wanted to ask, though.

The only reason I can think of that he'd ask if that I miss him a lot and he knows it. Maybe he suspects something because I've been so worried about Jack lately, but he also knew why. God, I don't know. Long-distance relationships lend themselves to doubt, maybe.

They do do that. I've found that sometimes, no matter how much either party really wants to make it work, sometimes it just... can't sustain itself. A bit like a star really.

Well, him asking, was it more of a checking on your wellbeing? Or a thinly veiled attempt to see if you've been with Jack? I can't see Lorne out right accusing you of anything, and I think he knows you wouldn't. Maybe he's just feeling lost with this relationship and wanted to reassure himself that you aren't feeling the same way.

I don't know why he asked. He said it was paranoia and I guess . . . maybe he does suspect something. Maybe he feels stuck, though when I asked him he said no.

I suppose he may have wanted reassurance, but since it came after we'd fooled around some and were making plans for him to come Earthside during the holidays it hardly could have been timed worse.

Paranoia, as well as your own deep-seated feelings can play a large part, true. But, as someone that can sympathise with your situation I do want to emphasize what Near said.

Sometimes, it is hard to read the other person. Most of the time you can take things at face value but if he's feeling upset over something, that could bleed over and make him worry and doubt that he is reading you correctly. That maybe its selfish for him to want to do this despite the distance, or afraid that you might grow angry at him or resent him for wanting this.

There are quite a few options.

But, I don't know Lorne's mind as well as you do love.

And while we are sort of on the subject, I mentioned some time ago that you would have to understand your own mind before it began to tear you apart. This might be one of those times.

Times like this I don't think I know Lorne's mind at all.

As for my own . . . I'm already torn.

I can understand that. You've already had my break down on understanding John's own mind. I suspect that Lorne might be... jealous of Jack. Not meaning that you're doing anything. But Jack is there physically with you, able to see you all the time and you are there to care for him. Lorne probably has that getting to him and that's warring with his own feelings of trusting you and making him confused.

You've been that way for awhile now love. Not like there's a due date and not like it's just picking and choosing between apples and oranges but you need to sit down and talk it through. If not with me or Near or Sam then with yourself.

How am I supposed to choose between them? Really choose? I love Lorne and I want to be with him . . . and I need Jack. I just do. He could have died last week and I wanted to scream at him, you know, how could he be so careless, how could he be so stupid, how could he leave us--and I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and never let go.

How do I decide what's better, when I need them both?

God I don't know Ianto. It's not fair to have to make such a decision nor is it easy. I guess its, having to look at what you have with them both and then imagining yourself without it.

Have you and Lorne been talking about the future? About... what you two want to do later on down the road?

Yes, we have. Fanciful daydreams, mostly, but if we both live that long maybe it'll happen.

I know what will happen if I left Jack. I'd shrivel up and die inside. It's not just fear of space travel that keeps me here: it's that choking feeling I get when I think about not seeing Jack every day.

Lorne . . . is necessary, but not in the same way. And I hate that. It feels like it should be the opposite, if he's the person I love and who loves me, shouldn't he be the air that I breathe?

Yeah, the person you love is normally the one that makes it difficult to breathe when they're gone. As well as hard to breathe when they're there (though for opposite reasons).

Maybe, despite what you want to do to the contrary, you do love Jack. Would life with him be so bad?

I'm not in love with Jack. Even if I were, he's not in love with me. So yes, it would be bad. It'd be pining after someone who doesn't want me and no one should live like that.

No, you're right, no one should live pining after someone but... I hesitate to agree that you don't love him. You have to have some intense feelings for him to feel that you would die inside if you left him.

[ooc: sorry am back! :)]

You can feel intensely for someone and not love them. And if it's not mutual how can it be love?

Yeah you can feel intensely for someone, but weren't you the one that said that the one you love should be the one you feel so... upset about leaving? Could it not work the other way as well? That you feel so upset about leaving him because you do love him?

It doesn't have to be mutual to be love. He obviously at least cares for you. Who's to say you can't feel more than another person in any relationship?

I have no idea what that first paragraph is trying to say.

Maybe, but who'd want that?

Let me try again.

Yes, you can feel intensely for someone you don't love. But you said before shouldn't the one you love be the one you can't breathe without?

Well, you can't breathe without Jack. That's some pretty intense feeling.

No one would want that. But sometimes you can't really help it. Who you fall in love with isn't always logical. Or even convenient.

Did I? I say a lot of things.

I never said I don't feel intensely for Jack. I know I do. I know that the thought of leaving him locks me up from inside out. But that doesn't mean that we're meant to be together or even that we should be--it just means I feel complicated and confusing things for him.

You did *smiles*

I was just suggesting, *shrugs* Perhaps you and Jack aren't meant to be. But are you and Lorne?

God, I don't know. I don't know if I even believe people are meant to be together.

*sighs* Yeah I can... I can understand why. Perhaps that was not the most sensitive of questions to ask.

I guess, what I might be trying to say here is, choosing between them isn't really fair and its not like one or the other and you can't see or talk to the other at all. But have you been honest with Lorne with your lingering feelings for Jack?

I don't mean telling him that perhaps you love someone else as well, that never goes over well, but tell him how important Jack is to you?

I think he knows. In fact I'm pretty sure he does. I don't see any reason to rub it in.

So, you're proposing to just stay with the status quo? And hope it changes for the better after awhile?

What do you mean?

I don't know it's just... of all the people I know, you are one of those that deserve to be happy and in love and loved.

And I just want you to be happy.

I apologize for over emoting, the water on the last planet we were on was a bit potent. It's made my brain a bit fuzzy and me like I want to hug everyone.

People keep saying that to me--"I want you to be happy"--like they have to sacrifice something in order for me to be happy.

And you know what I think? I think if I'm not happy I have plenty of reasons not to be, and if I am happy it's because I choose to be, not because someone made me so.

And I don't think people deserve to be loved, or don't deserve to be. They just are.

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