likesthecoat | your eyes only

Can I ask what sort of conclusions you came to? Or is it something I don't want to know?

Basically we decided that if the feeling's mutual nothing needs to change.

I realise it's not the most romantic conclusion to come to . . . but you saw the struggles I've had over him for the last few months. It's not something I can just turn off, no matter what you mean to me.

And now you're upset with me.

Look, I can't explain it and I can't justify it. He's my friend and he's more than that; he's a force of nature. He scares me and I want to keep him safe and he makes me happy and he drives me crazy and sometimes I think he needs me and sometimes I think he forgets I'm there.

I don't want to hurt you. I don't. But I don't want to lie to you or Jack, either.

I'm not upset with you, really.

I appreciate that you've been honest with me about this. And I do understand how you feel about Jack. At least, I think I do.

And like I said before, I can't ask you to give him up knowing that it's possible we may never actually meet. And even if we do, there are other complications to consider.

I just want you to be happy, honestly. If Jack makes you happy, then I want you to be with him.

Yes. Always more complications.

I'm not very happy at the moment, but that's my own damn fault. I wish I knew what to do.

I wish I could do something to make you happy. You'd tell me if I could, right?

Call me on the phone. Visit me. Tell me where you are so I can find you.

Can you do any of these things? I don't think you can.

And that's what it always comes back to: you choose your career and I choose what I've got, and until we choose something different nothing will change.

I'm not going to ask you to change your life but sometimes I wish I could.

~~Sometimes I wish you would.~~

All right, suppose I did. Then what? Would you want to live in Cardiff with me? Would you want to start over at this point of your life? Would you like being an expatriate?

And while, the UK is one of the more gay-tolerant countries around it's still not perfect; would you be able to handle being out, and possibly being discriminated against because of it? Or would you want to stay closeted, because that's what you're used to?

And would you want me to leave Torchwood? Because that presents an entire set of problems on its own.

There are no easy answers to any of this, and there's still the fact that, really, you and I have never met. And while I have no doubt (particularly after this last weekend) that we'll get along famously in person, what if I'm wrong?

All I can really ask of you at this point is schedule leave, and we'll meet up somewhere--you can come here, or I'll come to the States--and we'll . . . find out whatever there is to find out.

God, sometimes I hate being an adult. I wish I could just grab you and hold onto you and fuck all the rest of this.

I just don't know. I don't know how to answer any of those questions.

Some days I think I would be willing to give it all up and start all over somewhere, anywhere, Cardiff or wherever. But I'm afraid I'd be miserable, and that I'd make you miserable.

I think I'd be okay with being out, because I'm not ashamed of this, I've just never been able to tell anyone who actually knew me or wanted to know me. It seems like not having that hanging over my head would be a relief after all this time. I'm used to being discriminated against. Some people see the uniform and feel respect, but a lot of people see it and feel disgust.

I'll see what I can do about scheduling leave. It might be a while, but I am trying, because I really do want to see if we've got something here. Because I think we might, and that scares the fuck out of me.

So you see how it is, don't you? Being with a partner always changes one's life but this would change everything for you.

And when I think about there's a lot less for me to lose than you: my job isn't dependent on my sexuality and my family has accepted it, and you know most of my friends already and I doubt they'd be that surprised if we told them we were together.

But. I think we have something too. It scares me too, but more in the way that a roller coaster scares me than, say, someone pointing a gun at me.

I'm just no good at dealing with hypotheticals. I want to know for sure if it'd be worth it. I want to know for sure if we'd be happy. I don't like wondering. And I know that's not how these things work.

What did that song say? "I'd rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery?" This feels like waiting to win the lottery sometimes.

I'm not scared because of the possible consequences (well, not entirely). I'm scared because I've never really done this with a guy before. Had a relationship, I mean, if that's what this is.

We'll never know until we give it a try. That's why I think we should start small--working for the paycheck, as it were. If you give up everything now, that's a big risk and one I can't ask you to take. But a week or two? That's where we start. And if it doesn't work out, you'll go back to your life and I'll go back to mine and we'll go back to having quizwars and joking about coffee.

And if it does work out, then the real adventure begins.

I forget sometimes that the rest of the world doesn't work the same way as it does out here. Not everything is split-second life-changing decisions. I forget that I'm allowed to take time to think about things, to work it out, see what's right.

So, starting small, yes? I can do that.

This is one decision that can and should be made slowly.

I'll stop poking you about shore leave. Just . . . sooner rather than later, please.

Yeah, I know. I'm just not used to having that luxury.

I really am working on it. Believe me, I'm as anxious as you are.

Knowing that you're anxious shouldn't make me so happy, but it does.

See? There was something I could do to make you happy.

Yes. Saying you want me has that effect. I'm a man of simple needs.

I'll keep that in mind. And if you ever need reminding, I'm always happy to tell you I want you.

And use the tongue icon, of course.

Well, if you insist.

Hello.

Hi there.

Come here often?

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