likesthecoat | [filtered]

Lorne never asked me to stop sleeping with Jack. I just knew he wanted me to, from things he said. (And didn't say. I studied literature. Subtext is like home to me.)

His exact question was, "Do you ever think that being together isn't worth the trouble of being so far apart?" I said no, and I said if this was about Jack nothing's happened. I assumed he thought I'd fallen back into old patterns with Jack--you know, sleeping with him so he feels better--but he said it wasn't about Jack. He said he thought maybe I'd be happier with someone else, and I said no, and we're both a bit upset with each other right now, I think.

I don't get this.

I see. Well, that's presumably it, then. I doubt he suspected you of anything-- when you told him you weren't involved with Jack like that any longer, how did you put it? Did you promise, or anything like that...? Lorne trusts you, I doubt he thought you'd do anything like that without telling him. But he might have worried (as I would, in his position, and probably you would, as well) that he's holding you back.

He can't give you all the things I'm sure he wants to, and while on some level he presumably feels possessive of you and wants you to be faithful, I'm sure on another he feels guilty of depriving you of regular physical contact and affection. I don't think it's anything you did, it's just another complication of the long-distance relationship and the fact that he knows you've given up something important to you in order to make him happy. That would make anyone feel a bit guilty, don't you think...?

What don't you get?

I told him I hadn't slept with Jack since he and I said we loved each other. I said I didn't know if that make a difference to him and he said it did.

Holding me back from what? From being with Jack? Putting a stop to us was my choice--it felt like the right thing to do, I thought it would put Lorne's fears to rest. I wanted him to know he's the most important person in my life. I don't sleep with Jack because of Lorne, yes, but I thought that would be a good thing, not something to make him feel bad. Christ.

I don't get why trying to reassure him only makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, and I don't get why he doubts me.

I bet it makes a huge difference.

Yes, from being with Jack. From having someone in your life that you can touch on a regular basis. From having sex. From feeling free. ...I'm not Lorne, and I don't claim to speak for him. But if I were him... most of these things, these my-lover-quit-them-for-me things... they make you feel both bad and good. It's affirmation of their love, and that's always wonderful, but at the same time, you have to ask yourself if being with you is holding them back, if there are things they're missing out on, if your presence in their life enriches their life or diminishes it. That's... normal. I think. I worry about it with Matt, if I'm... good for him, if being with me is good for him. But it's just because I love him, because I want what's best for him, I want him to be happy. I'm sure that's all it is with Lorne.

You haven't done anything wrong, and I don't think he doubts you. He's probably just insecure, it's his issue, and nothing you did. I bet he would (or will, when things are less tense between you) tell you that himself, too.

I hope that's all it is. I hate feeling like this.

What if I'm not good for him, though? I've worried about it myself, about him not connecting with someone in Atlantis because he's with me. What if I am holding him back?

Shit. It's not had to have these kinds of doubts, is it.

I know. I hate it for you, especially you two being so far apart. Being at odds with your partner when you can be around them is bad enough, I can't imagine what it would be like if there was... distance.

Ianto. You are. Why would you think you're not...? I mean, I know why, in the sense of it being something of an unavoidable avenue of thought for everyone eventually, but you need to try and think objectively about it. There is no reason in the world you wouldn't be good enough for him-- you love him very much, and you've already given up a lot for him. I think you are, and the fact that he still wants to be with you says he thinks so, too.

No, it's really not. As I said, it's unavoidable sometimes, so give him a break. If you want to do something productive about it, you might want to talk to him before he leaves and remind him that you love him and want to be with him very much; let him know that you're happy with things as they are.

One of the many reasons why long-distance relationships pretty much suck.

I just don't want Lorne to be lonely, and I worry that he is. He reminds me he's got friends and coworkers to keep him company, but he also spends a lot of time on the computer with me. I don't want him to cut himself off from the potential of something wonderful.

I've tried to. I don't think I put it very well but I tried.

I know. I wish there was something I could do. Or you could do. Or... anyone, really.

That's his choice to make, the same as it was your choice to end the sexual aspect of your relationship with Jack for Lorne. I understand your concerns completely, but at the end of the day, you have to trust him to know what's best for himself, and try to be as good for him as you can be. Sometimes it doesn't feel like enough, but he deserves to make his own decisions, and the other is really all you can do.

Good. I'm sure once he's feeling better, he'll see that himself. Once you start feeling morose and thinking negatively, it's easy to stay in that frame of mind, and it can take a little while to pull yourself out of it. But going on this mission will probably clear his mind a bit, and I'm sure once he gets back, he'll be feeling better and will understand that you were reaching out to him --even when you were hurt-- because you care so much.

Last night I couldn't stop thinking about people I know who owe us favors, or owe me favors, or have connections--anybody I could think of that might conceivably know about the Atlantis project and could get me there. i even thought, Fuck, I'll ask Martha to ask the Doctor to come get me.

But leaving now . . . I can't. I just can't.

I hope it clears his head. Maybe it'll clear mine, too.

...Why can't you leave?

I don't know if more distance will help you both, but it might. I hope so, too.

Because I'm not ready. Because I'm afraid of space travel. Because they need me. Because I need them. I just . . . can't.

Of course, I understand that, and you've said this before. But... do you think this is going to change? And if it is, do you have any idea about... when?

No, I don't think it's going to change anytime soon.

[filtered]

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