[Private to Hekkai]
Thank you for trusting me with this. I'm so sorry about it all: what a horrible thing to happen to you and to your wife.

I think the anger you mention is part of grief as well: anger at the deceased for dying, no matter how it actually happened. I'm not a religious person: I don't have hope of a heavenly reunion after death, and I suspect that if I did it would be easier to find peace. But as it is I miss her. I miss what we had. I miss my girl, my friend, my sweetheart, and I miss having someone I feel utterly at home with.

And at the same time I get angry, because I miss her, and because of things she did and things I did for her, and sometimes I wish I hadn't done anything so it never would have come to the point it did, even if it had meant losing her sooner. And I get angry at myself for believing that I loved her enough to work miracles.

I think I've lost my faith in love. I don't want to love someone again. I just want to feel something other than this pain.