[internet cafe] fy calon i yn anafen

[likesthecoat]

I feel the need to explain myself a little. I loved a woman called Lisa. She died. I'm dealing with it--sometimes well, sometimes poorly.

Tonight has been one of the 'poorly' nights. I saw a woman on the street on the way home tonight who looked so much like Lisa I almost called her name.

Here's something they don't tell you about grief: sometimes it just hits you when you think you're fine, you're doing okay, you're going to get on with living. Just when I think I'm moving on and rebuilding my life, something small like this happens and completely wrecks me again. I feel blindsided by it, like I've been knocked down from behind.

I've been struggling with whether to leave this entry private, or filter it, or write it in Welsh just to say it without saying it--but I'm tired of hiding everything I feel even here.

This is really me, denizens of TIC, and in all honesty I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by being open.

I miss her. That's all it is, and it's so much.

Comments

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

[Private to Hekkai]
Thank you for trusting me with this. I'm so sorry about it all: what a horrible thing to happen to you and to your wife.

I think the anger you mention is part of grief as well: anger at the deceased for dying, no matter how it actually happened. I'm not a religious person: I don't have hope of a heavenly reunion after death, and I suspect that if I did it would be easier to find peace. But as it is I miss her. I miss what we had. I miss my girl, my friend, my sweetheart, and I miss having someone I feel utterly at home with.

And at the same time I get angry, because I miss her, and because of things she did and things I did for her, and sometimes I wish I hadn't done anything so it never would have come to the point it did, even if it had meant losing her sooner. And I get angry at myself for believing that I loved her enough to work miracles.

I think I've lost my faith in love. I don't want to love someone again. I just want to feel something other than this pain.

[chigong-master.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto]

Hm...I completely identify with what you're saying. The anger, the grief, the fact that with them gone, you just feel so utterly empty inside.

I hope that your faith in love isn't lost completely, merely misplaced for the time being while you work through things. It sounds like you need to do one of the most difficult things imaginable, and that is to forgive yourself - something I continually struggle with.

Perhaps our paths aren't that different; I'm just a pace or two ahead of you. I thought I could just exist without those hurtful emotions, but in doing so, I haven't been living. I think it's about time I started to live once more. It's frightening, to leave the comfort of this self-imposed spiritual prison I've dumped myself into, and it's just as likely I'll fail as I will succeed; however, as a wise Welshman told me once, love is always a risk...

I hope that you find yourself one day able to take such a risk of your own...

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

[Private to Hekkai]
Thank you.

There are risks and risks, and right now all I really want is to just get through the grief. If I do something stupid at least it's my mistake to make, and if it ends up being worth the risk . . . well, I'll never know until I've taken that step.

Of course, that hasn't stopped me from backing down every time it gets too close to happening. I'm a lot more brave in words than I am in action.