likesthecoat (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
likesthecoat) wrote2007-05-16 02:15 pm
likesthecoat) wrote2007-05-16 02:15 pm
Entry tags:
[internet cafe] more of the same.
1. What do you say most when you're trying not to curse?
I swear in Welsh a lot more than in English. It's so much more satisfying to say "Cachau!" than "Shite!"
2. Do you Own An Ipod?
No.
3. Which of your friends do you talk to the most?
Jack, probably. Him or Tosh.
4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To?
6 a.m. every day.
5. Do You have a broken heart?
. . . it's healing.
6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It's Cold?
Good lord, no.
7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?
(Whoever wrote this capitalizes like A.A. Milne.) I'd rather take the picture.
8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?
I watched one on the telly the other night, but I fell asleep before it ended. Had Spencer Tracy in it. Pat and Mike, I think?
9. But there was no nine...
Number nine . . . number nine . . . number nine . . .
10. Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy?
Not since I was a schoolboy.
11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?
No.
12.
...Where's 12?
13. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk?
Regular.
14. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?
Yes.
15. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks?
It's been a year or more. The coffee I make myself is so much better.
16. Can You Whistle?
Yes.
17.Do you have a Trampoline In Your Back Yard?
No, but I don't have a back garden, either.
18. Do You Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back?
Probably.
19.
There was no question nineteen. I hate that.
20. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?
. . . Shaun of the Dead.
21.
There was no twenty-one.
22.
No twenty-two, either. Is counting too difficult for these poeple...?!
23. Do You Own Any Band T-Shirts?
Oasis, the Beatles, Sex Pistols. Some of them are classics.
24. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing?
It depends on the salad, don't you think? I like something with a little bite to it, though.
25. Is anyone in love with you?
No.
26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes?
Yes.
27. Ever Cry In Public?
Not recently.
28.
?
29.
?
30.
?
31. Would You Ever Date Anyone Covered In Tattoos?
Yes.
32. What Did You Do Before This?
Talked to Matt and Near a bit, made coffee, looked after Myfanwy.
33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?
I can't sleep on the floor. I sleep on sofas just fine, though.
34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?
I've managed on two.
35. Do You Eat Breakfast Daily
Yes.
36. Are Your Days Full And Fast ?
The days are just packed.
37. What are you doing right now?
Killing time in the tourist office.
38. Do you use sarcasm?
Frequently and well.
39.
...This is actually starting to annoy me. I'm with Near.
40. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar?
Yes.
41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
No, I don't believe I have.
42. Have you ever got beaten up?
Yes.
43. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?
I get along fine with both. (As well I should, I'd say.)
44.
...
45. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach, Or Back?
My side, usually.
46. Do You Watch The news?
Yes.
47. How Did You Get Your Scars?
The scars on my knees are from rugby, and I have one on my neck from work.
48. Who Was The Last Person To Make You Mad?
O. He's very good at it.
49. Do you like anyone?
Yes.
50. What was the last item you purchased?
The shopping over the weekend. I treated myself to some grapes.
I'm almost afraid of the answers I'll get to this one:
If I had amnesia, what would you tell me about myself? Personality, hobbies, relationships, friendships and general information are all fair game.
no subject
God, tell me about it.
And I don't know. I really don't. Maybe it would ease the tensions between us, maybe it would make things worse.
[ooc: Ianto was originally intended to be killed off, but the producers liked GDL so much they decided to keep him. He's a huge fan favorite now, and I think GDL's a bit stunned by it, poor lad.
Jack-mun and I haven't talked about that, really. I wouldn't mind dealing with canon, I think--it's the wait that's driving me crazy. I have a basic idea of how I want to handle the later eps, at least.
Jack will be on Dr Who in a few weeks, btw. I'm not sure exactly when.]
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This is probably a very stupid question, but have you ever tried to sort any of it out? Either internally, or with him?
You should probably work out how you feel about that, then.
And then hop on him.I don't think you have to worry about his feelings on that because I don't think he's the sort of person to attach a terrible amount of important to the act of having sex, so you should focus on how you think it would make you feel. Imagine going in to work tomorrow having been with him, and having to go along as normal. Does that seem disturbing to you, or like something you wouldn't be bothered by? You've said you've had purely sexual relationships with men in the past... Have you ever had to be around them as a friend after? Would it be different with Jack?[OOC: Oh, really? I'm glad they didn't; I like his character. All my Torchwood-inclined friends are in love with him, and I can see why.
I hate waiting. Tonight is the SPN finale, and it's going to be 4+ months before we get any new canon. I might cry. And the torrent is ALWAYS LATE for it, and right now Torchwood is what's keeping me from pulling out all my hair since everyone else as seen it and I can't even talk to anyone about it yet. D:
So I hear. I don't follow Who, do you? I wonder if that will have meant that Torchwood was Jack-less for the summer while he was off with the Doctor...?]
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We've talked about the tensions a little, and I've written things.
I don't know how it would be. I think it would depend on the sex. Angry sex would not lend itself to a peaceful workplace, I suspect, but I'm not saying I think it would be angry.
No, I haven't always been friends with men I've slept with, but when I have been it's not been too awkward. With Jack . . . for all I know he's slept with the entire staff and we all just go on as normal. It's so hard to say.
[ooc: My other favorite show is Lost and its finale is next week, and then no more new episodes until February 2008. ARGH.
I've been following it since I started watching Torchwood. It's a lot of fun. You'll see how it works out when you get to the last ep.]
no subject
But you're still conflicted?
What do you think it would be most likely to be like, and how would that impact upon your current and working relationship?
That was my initial point-- I don't think you need concern yourself with how things would work on his end. I think he'd be fine regardless-- I don't think he's the type who is easily made uncomfortable. It's how you would feel afterwards and whether or not you'd be uncomfortable that's important.
[Feb--?! Good lord. Why the ridiculously long hiatus?
From what I understand (I saw some of it back in England in Jan when I was staying with some mates) the Doctor shows up in his tardis and Jack goes off with him? So... Well, I guess it depends on how long he spends in Who-verse this season...]
no subject
Yes, I'm still conflicted. It's not easy, this. If I could just be certain that he wanted me as much as I want him--that it's not a game, that he means it, that I'm not just imagining the affection I see from him sometimes--then I wouldn't be.
I don't know how it would be like. I know how I'd like it to be.
[ooc: They're going to do the entire season without any breaks.
Right: he leaves with the Doctor. I don't know how much time is supposed to pass for Torchwood before he comes back, but somebody found a Missing poster on the official site a while back, so I suspect several months.]
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I don't think it's a matter of him wanting you as much as, I think it's a matter of you wanting him to want you in the same way as you. I think his attitude to people and romance and sex and life in general might be... Very different to yours. It's very obvious to me from even your interactions on here that he's attracted to you. And has affection for you. I don't think you're imagining that at all. What I don't know if it's anything more than that. If all you want is confirmation that he thinks fondly of you and finds you attractive, then I can tell you I'm quite sure that he does. But... Is that really all you want?
How much influence do you think you'd have about how it goes, and if it went the way you wanted it to, would things be able to go back to normal afterwards if you decided to leave it at that?
[Ah, I see. I forgot about that-- I don't watch a lot of British-made shows (only soaps, which don't have breaks) and I forgot about the no-breaks. We even get breaks that long between seasons of American series', but then they run them break-free and we usually end up with having the finale the same week as you guys.
He's listed (haha, I typoed 'lusted' three times XD) on IMDB as being in 3 eps of the new season (11, 12, 13) so... I guess he'll be gone for a lot of it, then. Poor Ianto. D:
Near knew he wasn't the relationship type...! *shakes fist in his general direction* Near likes Jack, and is actually rather intrigued by him, but he reminds him terribly of his ex, and Near is concerned that Ianto is a bit too sensitive to get involved with that sort of person in case he gets his heart broken....]
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I think it's a matter of you wanting him to want you in the same way as you
Well. Yes. I suppose I do. Doesn't everyone? I can't think of many things worse than being the one doing all the giving in the relationship.
I think his attitude to people and romance and sex and life in general might be very different to yours
Yes, I know they are. He's got a very different perspective on nearly everything. I used to think it was just an American thing, but none of the Americans I've met recently are like that, so I suppose it's just him.
I have no questions about his attraction. I'm aware of his attraction. I suppose what I want most is reassurance that's not all there is. What frightens me about this is that I don't want to be with him like my other relationships with men: I don't want to be casual. Feeling like this is very unsettling. I don't know what to do with myself any more than I know what to do with him.
I've said before--and I can't recall to whom at the moment, if it was you or Lorne or someone else--that I don't want to be a toy for him, I don't want to be a bit on the side. Wanting that worries me; being willing to settle for it worries me; my complete inability to act on any of this worries me.
How much influence do you think you'd have about how it goes
I'm convinced nothing is going to happen without my okay.
and if it went the way you wanted it to, would things be able to go back to normal afterwards if you decided to leave it at that?
I'm capable of setting aside my emotions for the workday. The rest of the time is the real question.
[ooc: Network TV used to work like this: the season starts around September/October (sometimes as late as November) and runs until May, with weeks off around the major holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas/New Year's, Easter.) for a total of 24 episodes. The most important months are November, February and May, because those are sweeps: when advertising rates are set, so shows do their stunt casting or big events in order to get more viewers and be able to demand more money for commercial time.
Now, though, with cable and summer seasons making more and more of an impact, the old system is getting swept aside more and more: for example, 24 not starting until January this year so they could do the entire season with no breaks or repeats.
So I kind of understand the reasoning behind putting the new season off until next year, but it's still frustrating to wait. But at least there won't be six weeks between new episodes like there have been in the past. I've been spoiled by all the British TV I've been watching: I want it all now now now!
Jack is so not the relationship type. When they introduced him in series 1 of the new Who the Doctor explained it as "he's a 51st century man--so many species, so little time."
Ianto's going to get his heart broken no matter what happens, I suspect. *cuddles my boy*]
no subject
I think everyone does, too. I just wasn't sure you'd given that enough consideration. I don't think it would be a case of being the one doing all the giving (which is, as I can tell you from experience, both disheartening and very much not worth it) as simply the fact of you having such different perspectives, as you mentioned was true.
I don't think he would define a relationship in the same terms that you would. I don't think he thinks of you as a toy (not currently, anyway) but he seems to look at things very differently, and a non-casual relationship may not be something he thinks about very often. Or he might consider a serious relationship to be behaving exactly the way you are now but with the addition of sex-- it's very obvious he cares about you, but that might be be more than enough for him.
To be honest, I think inaction is the best action, for the moment. You just don't... know enough and a lot of things could go wrong, and you're quite invested already and you could get... hurt. Again. Which is obviously not desirable.
I did assume nothing would happen without your ok, but... I did mean after that. How it would likely go, and how that would affect you afterwards.
But is that really a problem? If you're together properly, you wouldn't have to set your emotions aside outside of work. And if you're not, then how much of him would you expect to be seeing of him aside from work and... agenda-specific pre-arranged meetings? One way or another, it shouldn't matter.
[OOC: Ah, I see... The no-breaks thing is fun, but the breaks between are killer.
Near has picked up on that, all right, and so had I. XD
I know. But what was all that stuff with the stopwatch at the end of 'They Keep Killing Suzie'? That seemed... very shippy to me~]
no subject
You know, the more I think about it, the more "everything's the same but we have sex, too" sounds like something I'd like. But sex always changes things, unless you never see each other again and it can't change.
"Invested." Heh. Once might even say obsessed.
After . . . I don't know. If we like each other, would we keep on doing it? Would once be enough for both of us? I just don't know.
[ooc: I love the stopwatch scene. It's such an awful come-on but the nuances are very sweet. At a convention earlier this year somebody asked GDL what was the list of things you can do with a stopwatch, and he said he couldn't say or he'd be arrested.]
no subject
Well, if you think that would work, I don't think you'd find any resistance on Jack's part. I suppose now all you have to do is try and work out how much it would change things, and what sort of problems that could cause. Unfortunately, I think that might be one of those things that is only really clear with hindsight...
One might, if one didn't mind risking offense~ There's nothing wrong with a little obsession, though, so long as the object of it is... worthy. Having been in the position of someone who... "invested" themselves in the notion of a relationship with someone unattainable, it's not something I would recommend. However, being obsessed with someone who is equally obsessed with you is really quite wonderful. There's nothing wrong it in itself, you just have to make sure you focus it at the right person.
...I know you've said he doesn't want to talk about it, but the fact remains that you really have basic three choices at this point: put the idea out of your head completely, jump on him and worry about the consequences later, or sit him down and ask him some of the questions which have been chasing each other around in your head to no avail. (I'm completely ignoring option four, by the way, which is to continue to go on the way you have been: saying nothing and quietly obsessing. It's viable for the moment, barely, but it won't be forever.)
The first would be very difficult for you, and is something you might really regret later. The second might be fun, but you might regret it even more, and the third... You did say he didn't like to speak of matters regards the two of you. Which would make it difficult. But... consider this: do you really want to be involved with someone you can't talk about your fears and feelings to? It's very likely that once you get him to open up a bit, you won't be able to make him stop, so it might not be a problem in the long-term, but... If not... I can't imagine that would be an easy relationship to find oneself in. But maybe you have more patience than I do, or need to talk about these things less. Even so, I'd still at least think about talking to him. It can't make things that much worse, and it would at least help you better make your decision about where to go from here.
[OOC: Hee~
...I am endlessly fascinated by this business of illegal sex acts. What is illegal between two consenting adults, anyway...?! (Not including things like involving animals or corpses, obviously.) I've heard people say, 'That's illegal in 40 states' or similar before, and it's always baffled me...]
no subject
Establishing rules at the beginning is good in theory, but you have to be made of steel for it to work. (Lisa and I swore we'd never have sex at work. We did, of course. When you're young and in love, sense doesn't always come first.)
I think the fact that I can't stop thinking about it says just putting it out of my head is not an option. Of course, if I could stop thinking about it maybe then I actually could do something . . .
Like I've said, we can talk to each other about everything but us. I had to make a Jack-only entry just to start talking about some things we've been needing to deal with, because . . . I don't know why, really. Some things I just can't say to his face yet--I don't ever want to see him disappointed in me again, even if I suspect that won't be the case.
And he doesn't like to talk about himself. Ever. With anyone, not just me. His identity is deeply classified. Between the two of us--he can't talk about his life, I'm not particularly inclined to--opening up is just . . . not that easy.
[OOC: Sodomy was on the books as illegal in the UK until sometime in the 60s, I believe. Illegal sex acts in private are next-to-impossible to enforce, of course; it's the kind of thing one has to be caught in the act to be arrested for.
What the convention attendees believe he meant was that there were children present and he couldn't let his imagination run wild. (Or he just didn't have an answer and he knew people wouldn't press him if he said that.)]
no subject
Of course. Things might change as they go on, but sometimes it's good to have boundaries in the beginning at least. Then again... In some ways it just sets up expectations that are difficult to maintain...
...I didn't think it was, really. But it might be in the future, if you really needed it to be.
That's understandable-- in fact, I think that was a very good idea. Sometimes it's easier to write things down and there is a much smaller chance of misunderstandings that way, too. (Unless someone tries to make a joke and it all goes horribly wrong, of course.) Maybe you should do that again to broach... other subjects. When you feel you're ready.
You can talk about what you are to each other without discussing each other too much, I think. That said... I would really find that difficult. Very difficult. Impossible, even. Matt is not... the most forthcoming person in the world and doesn't exactly volunteer information, but he's never kept anything from me and answers any questions affably enough. I don't think I could handle being with someone who wouldn't or couldn't talk to me. I wouldn't... see the point. But if it's something that you have in common... Then maybe you could make it work for you...?
[OOC: Of course, but I've heard people say it recently. Only on TV, obviously, but... still.
That's really unfortunate. I'd love to hear what he would have come up with~]
no subject
I worry that the journal entry approach is a bit passive-aggressive. The aggressive-aggressive approach might work . . .
By the way, I just got back a bit ago from a night out. The results were less than spectacular. I've been reminded quite strongly that the pub scene was never my favorite.
God, I just don't know anything anymore. I'm tempted to just grab him and stop with all this guessing and pondering.
[ooc: Obscure old laws are funny? *shrugs*
What's on the stopwatch list sounds like a good drinking game.]
no subject
It's a little... backward, but it can help if someone has difficulty expressing themselves verbally in an emotional fashion. I think it helped me a lot, in the beginning.
...Oh dear. I've never actually been to a pub. I've been in a hotel bar, twice, and that's about it. Once with Sam and Matt, and once with just Dean and myself. It was nice, but they were very quiet and spacious... I don't think I'd like a proper pub. Who were you there with, may I ask?
You'll notice that I did make that suggestion several comments up. There are a lot of possible negative repercussions, but at this stage, from having spoken with you about it at length... I don't know if any of them could be worse than what you're going through already. It's clearly very much on your mind, and even the wrong decision might be better than all this indecision.
[OOC: Heh. They really are. I've heard some doozies in my time.
Oh? Do tell.]
no subject
I'm now imaginingg Jack's response if my journal becomes filled with "Oh Jack I LUV U" type entries. It's not pretty.
Re: the pub. I went alone. I think I should have stayed longer and drunk more.
Yes, you did, and perhaps that's the path to take. Jack responds well to direct. If I weren't in such a rotten mood I'd go right now.
[ooc: I don't actually know of a drinking game for it. It just sounds like it would be amusing if people were creative enough.]
no subject
Well, no. I wouldn't be impressed by that, either. ...I'd at least demand an attempt at proper spelling. Anyway, there's no need to start off with a declaration of love. A simple 'we need to talk' might work, because then the other person is definitely going to assume the worst, and anything positive you have to say is going to be a bonus.
...I just saw your other post, yes. That was, perhaps... Not the best of ideas, but it could have gone worse, too. At least this way you know what you don't want, which is something.
I'm not sure now is a good idea, either, but you should remember how much you want to go now, for later, when you're more sober and less depressed. Just in case you find yourself reconsidering when you wake up.
[OOC: Nor I. I've never been good at coming up with them, but I've seen some hilarious ones around for various fandoms. Of course, you could base a whole game around Ianto appearing at all in most of the early eps, and you probably wouldn't even get drunk...]
no subject
If it weren't too far to walk and I were sober enough to drive, I would anyway. The only times I'm brave enough to touch him is when I'm drunk. I held his hand once. Told him poetry. I don't know why I didn't kiss him: it was a perfect moment.
I wouldn't say I loved him, anyway. It wouldn't be true. You don't have to love someone to want them.
I was hoping for life affirmation, really. Everybody gets laid after funerals, don't they? I've been waiting a long time. Unfortunately it wasn't affirming, it was just . . . meaningless. Stupid. A stupid thing to want and a stupid thing to do.
[ooc: Neither am I. The only part of a Torchwood game I'd want is "Jack and Ianto kiss: CHUG."]
no subject
...That icon is both amusing and slightly worrying.
You shouldn't have to wait until you're drunk. That doesn't... bode well. But... If you must... Have an unofficial 'bring a bottle to work' day?
No. But... You do seem to want him an awful lot...
I suppose they do. But not usually with a stranger when their partner recently died, because it probably won't help matters much. It wasn't stupid, it just wasn't very helpful, which is unfortunate, but there's absolutely no sense in beating yourself up about it. You tried to do something to make yourself feel better, which is, I think, very admirable and sensible. All right, it didn't work, but that doesn't mean it was stupid. You learned something, at least-- you're not at a point in your life right now where meaningless encounters are for you. That's worth knowing. The more things you know you don't want, the closer you'll get to finding out what it is that you do.
[OOC: Hahaha. Awesome. Though I don't think you'd get drunk off that, either...]
no subject
It's from a comic strip. (This one <-- is my current favorite, though.)
No, I shouldn't, but I'm sure you've noticed how relaxing takes a bit of an effort for me. Contradiction in terms. Yes.
I know. I do. It's emotion: it doesn't have to make sense.
I'm not beating myself. up. It's just . . . there's so much I can do perfectly. Efficiently. So smoothly it's like it happens by magic. When it comes to my own life I fumble along like a blind man.
[ooc: All you need is a big enough drink . . .]
no subject
That's very good, yes.
I know. But maybe you should find a way that's kinder to your liver and your brain cells...? Exercise or meditation or the like.
Is lust an emotion? I thought it was a physical reaction...
...I really know exactly how that feels. Ianto... Maybe I'm not the best person to be giving advice on this particular topic...
[OOC: Hee. I've heard so much about that scene and I've yet to see it. Only two eps left for me. ;_;]
no subject
I don't drink that often, I really don't. And I do run a lot. Sometimes . . . it's just not enough.
Emotion, reaction . . . I don't know.
I suspect there's really not that much advice to give at this point. I need to talk to Jack. It's as simple as that.
no subject
I know, I was just... sort of teasing, sort of nagging. I think I should get out my stepladder... It's not enough, of course. But I don't think this was quite what you were looking for, either...
Right. I always thought of lust as an expression of the sex drive. Love is an emotion, though.
I think so too, but... I just wouldn't want to give you bad advice because I have a... personal bias. And obviously, I would never want to see you get hurt in any way. I do think you need to talk to him, though, and I think it's good that you feel ready and able to. I don't know how much help I am, but if ever you need to talk, I'm around. I'm on LJ most of the time, and if not, I'm almost always reachable on AIM via gundamsmash.
no subject
It could be argued that any emotion has a neurochemical basis. But I won't today.
How do you mean, personal bias?
no subject
They do, of course. But I still think there's a difference in a drive an emotion. Drives are harder to resist and emotions are... different.
I tried to involve myself with someone who was... unattainable... once, and... I ended up getting very badly hurt. I don't regret it, because of Matt, but... It did still hurt. A lot. So maybe my advice is overly cautious. I wouldn't want any friend to go through that, especially someone who'd already experienced a recent loss.
That said, I think you know what you're doing. You're not me, and Jack isn't Mello. You have more sense, and more experience, and I'm quite sure that Jack doesn't openly resent you and secretly want to punish you. (I don't think he's a sex addict, either.) He does care about you, and I don't think you have any illusions about him. You'll be fine.
...And besides, no matter what happens, it can't possibly be worse than tormenting yourself about it like you have been.
[OOC: Pre-dated to before the genderswitch, obvs. Post-switch Near isn't capable of being nearly so sensible. XD]
no subject
I don't know about illusions, to be honest. I like to think I see him clearly and understand him, but I do have . . . hopes. Let's call them hopes.
(I don't think he's a sex addict, either.)
For some reason that makes me laugh.