likesthecoat (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
likesthecoat) wrote2007-05-16 02:15 pm
likesthecoat) wrote2007-05-16 02:15 pm
Entry tags:
[internet cafe] more of the same.
1. What do you say most when you're trying not to curse?
I swear in Welsh a lot more than in English. It's so much more satisfying to say "Cachau!" than "Shite!"
2. Do you Own An Ipod?
No.
3. Which of your friends do you talk to the most?
Jack, probably. Him or Tosh.
4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To?
6 a.m. every day.
5. Do You have a broken heart?
. . . it's healing.
6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It's Cold?
Good lord, no.
7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?
(Whoever wrote this capitalizes like A.A. Milne.) I'd rather take the picture.
8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?
I watched one on the telly the other night, but I fell asleep before it ended. Had Spencer Tracy in it. Pat and Mike, I think?
9. But there was no nine...
Number nine . . . number nine . . . number nine . . .
10. Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy?
Not since I was a schoolboy.
11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?
No.
12.
...Where's 12?
13. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk?
Regular.
14. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?
Yes.
15. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks?
It's been a year or more. The coffee I make myself is so much better.
16. Can You Whistle?
Yes.
17.Do you have a Trampoline In Your Back Yard?
No, but I don't have a back garden, either.
18. Do You Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back?
Probably.
19.
There was no question nineteen. I hate that.
20. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?
. . . Shaun of the Dead.
21.
There was no twenty-one.
22.
No twenty-two, either. Is counting too difficult for these poeple...?!
23. Do You Own Any Band T-Shirts?
Oasis, the Beatles, Sex Pistols. Some of them are classics.
24. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing?
It depends on the salad, don't you think? I like something with a little bite to it, though.
25. Is anyone in love with you?
No.
26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes?
Yes.
27. Ever Cry In Public?
Not recently.
28.
?
29.
?
30.
?
31. Would You Ever Date Anyone Covered In Tattoos?
Yes.
32. What Did You Do Before This?
Talked to Matt and Near a bit, made coffee, looked after Myfanwy.
33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?
I can't sleep on the floor. I sleep on sofas just fine, though.
34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?
I've managed on two.
35. Do You Eat Breakfast Daily
Yes.
36. Are Your Days Full And Fast ?
The days are just packed.
37. What are you doing right now?
Killing time in the tourist office.
38. Do you use sarcasm?
Frequently and well.
39.
...This is actually starting to annoy me. I'm with Near.
40. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar?
Yes.
41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
No, I don't believe I have.
42. Have you ever got beaten up?
Yes.
43. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?
I get along fine with both. (As well I should, I'd say.)
44.
...
45. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach, Or Back?
My side, usually.
46. Do You Watch The news?
Yes.
47. How Did You Get Your Scars?
The scars on my knees are from rugby, and I have one on my neck from work.
48. Who Was The Last Person To Make You Mad?
O. He's very good at it.
49. Do you like anyone?
Yes.
50. What was the last item you purchased?
The shopping over the weekend. I treated myself to some grapes.
I'm almost afraid of the answers I'll get to this one:
If I had amnesia, what would you tell me about myself? Personality, hobbies, relationships, friendships and general information are all fair game.
no subject
Being a bachelor isn't so bad, I suppose--I just didn't expect to be at this point.
I know, I know. Sorry. I'm not doing very well today with--stuff.no subject
Hmm. I think life or fate or our own subconscious (or possibly all of the above) goes out of its way to ensure that we end up in situations that are the exact and complete opposite of what we'd originally intended. I certainly never meant to have a serious relationship, much less be married, at any point in my life, let alone before I was out of my teens. Give it time. You're still very young if you want to go the... non-bachelor route.
We love you for your pedantry, really. If not for you, we'd be overrun with ridiculous smilies and leet speak. And if you mention this later I will deny it completely, but it's occasionally nice to be corrected. Is there anything specific troubling you? Did you want to talk about it?no subject
Tosh, one of my colleagues, met someone this week, and this someone put her in terrible danger, and Tosh could have died and Jack had to take drastic measures.
I couldn't have bourne another death. Just couldn't.
no subject
That's dreadful. 'Met someone' as in, tried to have a relationship with? I'm glad she's all right, and that it was dealt with, but... I don't quite know what to say. The line of work you're in --we're in, really-- doesn't necessarily lend itself to gold watches/steak knives/etc. It's terrible, but it's true. I wish I had something more reassuring to say, but that's the fact of it. All you can do is be as cautious as possible, and be grateful that you have a good team who are supportive and willing to take the necessary action.
I don't really know what else to say, other than that I'm sorry, and I can relate. It's... hard sometimes. But there's really very little you can do about it-- you can either choose to harden yourself so that you won't feel anything, or you can just go on the way you are and let yourself be crushed if the worst happens. I've done both, and I don't know which is better, to be honest.
...I'm not doing a very good job at the fatherly advice this time, am I...? I'm not very good at this subject, really. Loss is always difficult. I don't think there's any good advice to give, is there?
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'Met someone' as in, tried to have a relationship with? Yes. And I think they actually had a relationship for a bit. Tosh was happy. And then it all went to shit.
I know this line of work doesn't lend itself to longevity. We actually have our own morgue, and it's nearly full. And last year, when Lisa was injured, hundreds more of our colleagues died.
I've lost too many friends already.
Jack and I have started talking about things between us, and he said if there's anything ever I need to discuss I shouldn't be afraid to come to him--but it's not fear that keeps me back, it really isn't. It's that I'm the calm one, the strong one, the one he'd be lost without--and when you establish yourself as the strong one it's terribly hard for others to accept when you need to be weak. Or at least when you need to be supported for a while.
I don't know. I don't know how to deal with this at all. Sometimes we're so much like a family and sometimes I look around and realize I don't really know any of them. I'd die for them, I really would, but--like with these silly games--if I had to tell any of them who they are, I'm not sure what I'd say.
no subject
...That really is dreadful. We have a cemetery back at Wammy's, but that's not quite the same thing. It can't be conductive to a psychologically healthy working environment... Did Lisa work with you, then?
I know. I absolutely do know, believe me. But sometimes... Mmm. Sometimes it can be good for others to be the one giving the support. It helps their self-esteem and can strengthen bonds between people as it allows both parties to experience both sides of the relationship so that they can give each other more and understand each other better.
Is it at all possible that you just want him to have a particular image of you, and letting him see the weaker sides of you would jeopardize that? If he depends on you as things are, I don't think it would diminish his view of you; if he asks for your help and depends on you, he obviously acknowledges his own weaknesses, so I don't think he would be inclined to think badly of you for yours. Especially not about things like this. It's human nature to fear loss, and to be damaged by it. You can't just... be exactly as you were before these things happened, and I don't think anyone would expect you to.
...That really is like a family, though, isn't it...? I mean... Granted, I've never actually had one, but it's my understanding that a familial bond is more than just knowing all aspects of an individual's personality, it's a sense of belonging and camaraderie and loyalty and protectiveness. Family members don't always know each other that well, and most of the time, they don't have a lot in common. All they need to know, and all they need to have in common, is that they are a family. That's what really counts. If you rely on them, you don't need to know any more...
...But if you'd like to, the opportunity is there, isn't it? You've said before that you sometimes go on group outings and drinking sessions-- pester people for irrelevant personal details some time when they're... less than sober, or just not in "work mode". Send some of these memes around the office in an email. If you want. But if you don't... Your current connection to them is still very obviously strong.
I don't really talk to anyone other than Matt, outside of online. There was L, but he died, and there was Mello, but we obviously don't speak any more (not that we ever did speak much to begin with). They were the two people I was closest to in my life, and I don't know how well I knew either of them-- in fact, I know for definite that I didn't know Mello at all, and I can't speak for L. I was just a child when he died, and he was away so often and so... He was very different.
I've only gotten to know Matt because of the truly staggering amount of time we've spent together-- getting information out of him is like pulling teeth sometimes. There are still a lot of things about him that I don't know, what I know the most is what he is to me-- which is how you know your team, and, I think, how most people know one another. It's a little different on here, of course, because very few people are actually involved in one another's lives, so we sort of know each other for who we are rather than for what roles they fulfill for us. ...If that makes any sense.
In any case, my point was simply this: don't worry if you don't know them on the intimate level that you might like to, because you all obviously connect very well as it is. But if you do want to get to know them better, I think you could make it possible.
no subject
Did Lisa work with you, then? She did, at the London location. Where we also had a morgue, but it wasn't quite as in plain sight as the one in Cardiff.
Is it at all possible that you just want him to have a particular image of you, and letting him see the weaker sides of you would jeopardize that?
It's entirely possible. It's quite probable, in fact. I like being the strong one, except when it's days like these and I wish I could just fall apart and no one would think it strange.
I think sometimes it's possible--Gwen tries to get us to talk to each other, but she . . . she doesn't pay much mind to me. I hadn't really noticed until we were out on a field assignment and I realised that she and the rest of them had completely forgot my girlfriend had just died. I'd never been so . . . not angry. Just disappointed. Perhaps a bit bitter.
Okay, maybe angry too.
no subject
I see.
I still think that morgue business is very unnerving... Necessary, I'm sure, but unnerving nonetheless.It must be difficult for you to do the job without thinking of her, then. But at least you never have to be regretful about having kept secrets.I do, too. But I think --and I'm not saying that Jack is or isn't the one who should be this person for you, because I wouldn't presume to know-- that in a... significant relationship you have to reach a point where you're not afraid to let them see all sides of you. Even the weak ones. It's hard and it takes time but it really is worth it in the end.
Although... To be honest, I've never really had to create much of an image. I tend to just express whatever's on my mind, unless I have exceptional reason not to... Except maybe for a little while at the end of my last case. That was different, though, because I was sort of in the middle of a transition and I didn't see the point in having to talk that all through with people I wasn't going to be spending much time with afterwards anyway. On balance, though, I think it's better to just let people see you for who you are, and take it how they will.
It seems... rather cold that they forgot, but it's always easier for other people to forget than the one who's hurting, of course. And people can find it... difficult talking to others about their loss and accomodating that distress, so I think a lot of the time they just put it out of their head so they don't have to address it.
It's completely understandable for you to have been angry and bitter, though. It was very thoughtless on their part, but I'm sure it wasn't intentional or any reflection on you so much as it is an indication that people... are generally just very self-involved. Even the good ones.
no subject
The morgue: Institute policy. We also store all personal possessions in perpetuity.
And I don't do the job without thinking of her. I think of her constantly.
in a significant relationship you have to reach a point where you're not afraid to let them see all sides of you
Except for Dafydd when I was in school I've never had a boyfriend. I've slept with other men but as for a relationship, it's only happened the once, and I've preferred it that way. No romance, no drama, just straightforward sex.
It's different with women: having a girlfriend is so much easier than having a boyfriend. It would be very difficult for me to be a friend and a lover to another man. I don't know if I could do it, I really don't. I'd rather just fuck him--any hypothetical him--and be done with it.
And people think being bisexual is easy.
I've got so deep into the habit of not exposing myself completely to anyone I don't know if I can every stop. There's that, too. This journal is one of the few places I'm completely honest about what I'm feeling and thinking. I'm slowly learning to be better about it with Jack, but it's difficult. Once you start harding it's hard to stop. You get accustomed to the dynamics of a relationship and then everything shifts. I'm still regaining my balance.
I'd prefer for Jack to be the one to help me find my feet again, but there's the patterns of my past relationships with men to contend with, and our shared history, and the fact that he is not a safe person and he knows this. I knew it too, I think, but didn't want to consider it until he said it to me.
I know they're good people. We wouldn't do what we do if we weren't. But being good doesn't depend on being nice, and GOD sometimes I wish I knew more people were nice.
no subject
whippeddevoted....Very disturbing.
I don't know if that's worse or better than not thinking about her. For you, I mean.
I've never really been with anyone I wasn't in a relationship with. There was Mello, but, of course, at the time, I fully believed that was going to turn into a proper working partnership. Were you always both... lovers and friends with your previous girlfriends, then? I've never had any sort of relationship with a woman, so I'm afraid I'm rather lost on the difference between a homosexual relationship and a heterosexual one. Is it really that different? I understand the social difficulties regards other people, of course, but... Within the actual relationship, is there really that much of a difference?
Things are going to change anyway. You can't... ever stop that. Unfortunately. (I'm not a big fan of change, generally.) All you can do is... try to make sure they change in a way that you're comfortable with, and sometimes, that means pushing them and intervening before the changes happen all on their own. You have more control that way.
...What do you mean by 'safe', exactly? Literally or emotionally? Given what you've said earlier, none of you are particularly safe in a literal fashion, and in terms of emotions... No relationship is emotionally safe. You can try very hard and be as accepting as possible and as loving and open as you can, but that's about it. There is no guarantee that no one will get hurt. You can swear to try and hold yourself to it every day, but that's really where it begins and ends. Some people are less... able (or willing) to do those things than others, but no one's 'safe'. Not really. As for patterns... If it were worth it, you'd find yourself breaking them without even meaning to. If it's right, it'll happen without you even noticing. Without you even wanting it to.
I've actually only semi-recently discovered that there actually is a difference between the two, and how important it really is to be nice. It does make a big difference, I think.
[OOC: Near-mun has finally cracked and started watching 'Torchwood'. I. AM. HOOKED. I've watched 4 eps tonight already. I squee every time Ianto comes on screen. And I love that the first time you see him, he's got coffee and standing by a computer monitor. I can't help but notice that he must be back in the office alone every time the rest of the gang are out in the field, and I keep thinking, "So THAT'S how he manages to post all those memes...!" I can't separate canon and RP-verses, clearly. XD;]
no subject
It's different for me. I think it dpends on how you're wired, fundamentally. Some gay men have long-lasting relationships; some straight men never settle down. I don't really know what it is for me: I can be equally attracted to a man as to a woman and with the man it'll be, "Yum, let's go fuck" and for women it'll be, "Romance, romance, romance."
It's late. I've stopped making sense. Let's continue this later: I've got to get some sleep.
[ooc: YAY!!! He is a devious little fuckpuppy :D.]
no subject
I wonder how much of that is societal input...
I don't know. I'm not very... Um. Well, I used to think I was asexual, for starters. I'm really not attracted to many people. I've never... Dated, really. I can't imagine having just sex with someone. I don't think I'm even capable of it, really-- in order for me to feel comfortable enough around them to do that with them, I'd need to get to know them. And by then, I'd either like them, and there'd be emotional attachment already, or I wouldn't like them, which would just rule out any possibility of attraction altogether. So it just... couldn't really happen for me.
Completely ignoring and setting aside the fact that I ended up having sex with Matt the first time we'd seen each other since we were children, because that was under completely bizarre circumstances.It's not really a matter of gender for me. More... Wiring, as you said. I'm not capable of light attachments. I take things very seriously-- all things. Too many things, probably. But it works, at least. For me. For the moment.
You should definitely get some rest, but I feel compelled to tell you that you're very entertaining when you're not making sense~
[OOC: 'Cyberwoman' just started, and I had to turn it off to watch later because Matt and Near are doing a log and I know it's going to upset me. God, poor Ianto...! He always looks and seems so seperate from the rest. I don't watch Dr. Who so I haven't seen the backstory, but... I went to IMDB to see if Gareth David-Lloyd had been in any Who eps, and of course he hasn't, but he was in some other Who spinoff as Ianto-- know anything about this? I've never heard of it before...]
no subject
I've figured it has to do with me having all those brothers and not really knowing any women well until I was well into my teens. I tend to idolize them (but then I tend to idolize a lot of people). Lisa was the first time I actually lived with a woman other than my mother and it was an education in female physiology like I never expected. I used to think PMT was just an excuse for bad moods, for example.
It's not to say I've never fancied a woman on a purely physical level, and that I've never loved a man. I have. I just usually don't act on it, I suppose. I've felt for a long time that you don't fall in love with a gender, you fall in love with a person. And on a slightly less idealistic point of view, you are attracted to a person, not a gender.
I think most people are bisexual to some degree, just with cultural conditioning and so on they react to their attraction in different ways. Male friendships can be very close, everything but sexual, because that's what the participants expect of themselves; women who are close friends are constantly hugging and saying I love you and nobody thinks they're sleeping together. It's just culture.
When I was a student I had sex for fun a lot more than I did for love. That's part of the university experience. And then in London I was working and living on my own in a new city and feeling like an adult for the first time, and when I met Lisa I fell so hard it stunned me.
The trouble with emotional attachment is sometimes I don't want that. Intimacy and companionship has its place, but sometimes, really, you just want to be an animal, not an evolved human being. Sometimes you just need something raw.
Next time I'm sleep-deprived I'll get online just for your entertainment, then.
[ooc: You've found "Mine All Mine"? That's not a Dr. Who spinoff, it's just a show RTD did--post QAF, pre-Who. GDL's only in one episode (he was supposed to be in at least one more but the series got reduced from six episodes to five, iirc.) I've only seen his episode but it was pretty cute: it's a family comedy/drama about Swansea. GDL plays a potential boyfriend for the main character's son. The "teenager" icons I use for Ianto in another game are mostly from that ep.)
"Cyberwoman" is pretty heartbreaking, but oh the things you learn about the tea boy . . .]
no subject
I don't really know any at all. There were girls at the orphanage I grew up in, but I wasn't really close to any of them, and we all left at fifteen/sixteen, so... I never really mixed with any proper teenage girls. ...None of us were exactly normal, anyway.
I think along the same lines, although I've never been attracted to a woman personally. Then again, I've only ever been attracted to two men, so...
I've always thought that culture was a bit of a nonsense, to be honest, and I've tried very hard not to let social pressures affect me, but I think that's probably easier for me (or was easier, perhaps I should say) because I didn't interact with people very much and spent the majority of my time alone, so I was quite able to cut myself off from it all. Now, of course, things are different, and I'm not by myself anymore, and I'm going to be dealing with... a lot of people in the near future, so... We'll see what happens, I suppose. Maybe I won't be able to keep to that idea, I don't know.
I don't think it's even about love, for me. I just have... some trust and distance issues. I'm not very good at getting close to people. Sex should always be fun, but I don't think I could get close enough (physically close enough) to someone to have any if I didn't trust them to some degree, and I find for me, love tends to follow that. I think the best kind of connections are probably the ones that surprise you with their intensity, really. Sometimes if it's something you want too much, you try to force it all, and everything ends up going very wrong, very quickly. When it's unexpected... There's no pressure, and it just seems to happen... More easily. It depends a lot on the person involved as well, of course.
Attachment is difficult. It does have drawbacks, and the first time I ever got involved with anyone, I was very hesitant because I didn't want to compromise myself and allow myself to be vulnerable both literally and emotionally. I think it can be worth it for the right person, though, and in terms of sex... You can be still be... um, 'raw' in a proper relationship, though. You just have th put it in the right context. Or spend five hours somewhere not able to touch each other beforehand. Whichever.
You do that. I can always do with more entertainment...
[OOC: I haven't actually seen it, I just noticed that his profile said he'd played Ianto twice (though it's spelled as 'Yanto' there). If it's from the same universe, is it supposed to be the same character?
It's terrible! Neither Near nor I had any idea what that poor boy has been through. He needs hugs or something.]
no subject
I had cousins and aunts and neighbors, but it's not the same as living with a sister or a wife.
I've read that some of the endorphins you get from sex lead to causing or deepening feelings of love . . . so ideally, the more you sleep with someone the more you love them. Though sometimes I wonder if it's wise to reduce love to just a chemical reaction. (And sometimes I wonder if it's wise to think it's anything else.)
But I've never found love to be necessary for sex, though in a lot of ways it makes it better. Richer, if you will, even when it is just a fun fuck on a Saturday morning rather than rose petals and champagne and Deep Meaningful Soulful Lovemaking. One's just as good as the other.
. . . and again I marvel at how discussions of grief can be steered towards my sex life and marked lack thereof. God.
[ooc: No, it's a different universe entirely, not related to Dr. Who at all: RTD just happened to give the characters the same name (with a different spelling) and cast the same actor.
*hugs him* This is why Ianto is the Torchwood woobie. Poor lad.]
no subject
Living with someone is different from anything else.
...That would explain a lot, I think. The chemical aspect is of course very much a part of it all, but I think there is... more than that. Otherwise people would end up falling in love with everyone they had sex with, which is... Just not the case.
Maybe it has to be good, too...I think there has to be a certain level of emotional and mental compatibility, as well. I don't know if it's anything more than that, if it's... deep and spiritual and whatnot. I never used to think so. Sometimes I do now. It's a difficult subject, there's no real way of actually proving any of it...I think a lot of things are necessary for me to get to that point. I
amwas pathologically afraid of touch for a very long time-- I didn't like to even so much as shake hands let alone anything else. I'm a little better, now, though, and obviously I'm fine with Matt. But I think you're definitely right in that it's better when you really do love who you're with, although I suspect a certain amount of that could be attributed to trust and honesty and being open about... preferences and things.Not having any experience with either sex or non-work related discussions until fairly recently, I have come to the conclusion that they are basically inexplicably, but undoubtedly, connected. It does tend to (if you'll pardon the pun) 'come up'. A lot. Like grief, and loss
and workit's a big part of life, so it tends to make its way into conversation.[OOC: ...That's bizarre. Guess he's fond of the name or something, then...? Very peculiar. I want to go immerse myself in Torchwood now, but I'm laid up in bed because I'm sick and my eps are on the other computer and I can't access them from this bloody Vista machine which won't interface with my network properly. :/
He really is a poor woobie. I watched ep5 last night and there was no reference to everything that happened with Lisa or anything, which I just couldn't believe. That poor guy. My Near-muse really wants to fill him with coffee and cake now.]
no subject
Love is a kind of faith, I think. Nothing you can prove, you just have to believe in it.
I just worry that I come across as a pervert with sex on the brain. Though. Well. I do think about it a lot. I miss sex, I miss touching, and I miss intimacy. Having all three together is most ideal, but right now I'd settle for any one alone.
[ooc: I think that's all it is: he likes the name.
Ep 6 is where Ianto really comes into his own. The last half of the season is amazing.
Ah, Near :D.]
no subject
I've never been very good at believing in things I can't see proof of. That said, I think feeling it is proof enough.
We're all perverts here, apparently. I wouldn't worry about anyone thinking less of you for that. I used to worry about that myself, but then I started talking to other people, and really... we're all just as bad as each other. I would miss sex terribly if I were deprived of it, as well as the other things you mentioned. And while it would be better to have one than none, you wouldn't want to... Become accustomed to settling for less, if you know what I mean.
[OOC: I'll have to get my sick ass out of bed and go watch them, then, if for no other reason than to distract myself from waiting for the torrent of tonight's SPN finale. I'm afraid to go near my own lj in case of spoilers, so I'm hanging out as Near all night. XD
Near likes Ianto a lot. If he knew the truth of what had happened, he would feel so terribly bad for him-- if something like that had happened to Matt... Near would be a complete and total wreck. He's already impressed by Ianto's ability to pick up and carry on, and he doesn't even know the full story... ]
no subject
I'm not sure I trust my feelings right now.
And I've been sitting here, staring at that sentence and wondering when that became my default.
You at least have love to excuse it, and you have more certainty of it than the rest of us. Matt married you. It doesn't get much more solid than that.
(Yes, I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. I know. I think that's one of the reasons why being alone hurts so much right now.)
[ooc: *snuggles Near* What a sweetheart. Ianto likes him a lot, too.
Ianto's pretty strong most of the time, it's quite amazing. (Some people call it poor characterization but to be honest? I've never known anyone to be absolutely paralyzed by grief in real life. You either move on or give up, and most people don't give up.)]
no subject
All feelings, or one specifically?
I understand. It used to be mine. Except instead of 'I'm not sure' it was, 'I don't', and instead of, 'right now', it was 'ever'. I sympathize, really.
That's true, and I know I'm very lucky. If I were alone... I can't even imagine it. I'd be like before, probably. Trying not to think about any of it.
(...I'm slowly discovering that I am, too.
You won't tell anyone, will you?I believe in... silly idealistic things. But I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It does hurt more when you're on your own, yes, but... It also makes things better when you're not. And you won't be on your own forever, Ianto. Not unless you want to be. You're young, and you're a good person, and you very obviously have a lot to offer. It's going to take you time to heal first, but you will get there, and then... It's up to you.)[OOC: Watching 'Countrycide' at the moment, and I'm at the bit where they're talking about kissing and I'm just praying they don't ask Ianto BUT I KNOW THEY WILL and it makes me want to cry. D:
Near would be totally emotionally dead without Matt. He'd revert to his pre-ship state where all he really did was work, and he didn't allow himself to feel much of anything. His whole personality would change; he wouldn't involve himself in casual discourse or post much at all, and would refrain from offering advice because he'd be fucked up and biased. He'd respond to emails or IMs because it would be rude not to and he's quite mannerly, but that would be it. Sam and Ianto would have to come to Winchester and kidnap him if they wanted to get any sort of reaction out of him. Near doesn't know how to have friends or a life without Matt, because he never did before, all he did was work and play with toys. He'd have to learn from scratch, and I don't know if he'd want to, because he literally couldn't be happy without Matt, and he wouldn't see the purpose in feeling other emotions if he couldn't feel the best one. ...They're stupidly co-dependent. It's Near's only real relationship, and Matt's first non-abusive/healthy relationship, so they've come to rely on each other to a very serious degree. There's been a lot of discussion both IC and OOC about it, and basically the sad fact of it is that Matt would be basically suidical without Near, and Near would be a robot without Matt.
...We're aware they're fucked up. But they're happy...! So that has to count for something, right?]
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All feelings, or one specifically?
All of them, where Jack is involved. Trust, desire, frustration, anger, any number of others.
(
Your secret is safe with me.And thank you for that. I suppose it is mostly a matter of time--learning to let down the walls again, which will be the hardest part. Jack has a lead in--but we always get to this point where it's act or back off, and I lose my nerve. Every. Fucking. Time. It's too big of a step to take and it's killing me not to take it.)[ooc: EEEEE. I LOVE THAT EPISODE. Not just for the kissing part but the whole episode just says SO MUCH about all of them.
Being happy counts for a lot. I'm glad for them: I like happy endings.]
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I see. Is it just that you don't trust yourself to act on them, or something else?
(
Thanks, although I suspect it's probably not as secret as it might be...It's very understandable that you're cautious. If you didn't work together and have preexisting relationship, I'd definitely be calling you coward in the hopes of encouraging you, but with things as they are... You're not one. It's utterly reasonable for you to be a little cautious and concerned, and there's nothing wrong with that. When you're ready for things to progress, you'll find the nerve. Or you'll push him into acting. Don't rush or pressure yourself; you've been through a lot and it's a delicate situation, anyway. There's no point in adding to the stress involved by getting frustrated with yourself for not acting immediately. Look at it this way: do you have more to lose by waiting, or by rushing into something when you're not ready for it? From what you've said before, it's not as if Jack's about to run off and get married any time soon. You have time. If you need it, take it... Or if thinking about all of this has made you feel like you can't, then don't-- go talk to him immediately. Just don't pressurize yourself either way.[OOC: I'm enjoying it, too. You're getting to see the freaked-out and upset side of him, and it's interesting. I'm really enjoying this show thus far. XD
I do, as well-- like Near, I'm a big sap at heart. Very rational, of course, but a big massive sap. Matt/Near is quite the rarepair in the fandom because it's quite a depressing canon and everyone else seems to love the darker ships where one person hates the other, or kills the other, or is using the other or all of the above. I like Matt/Near because it's happy, though. I've no time for these pairings where one character is secretly plotting to kill the other or where they hate each other, or where one is abusive to the other. It's not healthy, and I just don't enjoy reading about it... Which apparently makes me a sap. But I don't care so long as I get my happy ending. :P]
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I don't know how to explain it, exactly. Everything I feel for him is in conflict.
Talking to him . . . if it's about anything but us, it's easy. And I suspect he'd rather not talk. If I had the nerve, I don't think words would be involved at all.
[ooc: I like seeing him lose control: it's good to know that he can. So I haven't been too worried about letting him freak out now and again here: he does feel things and he feels them very strongly, but most of the time he's got them hidden under those suits.
I don't have high hopes for a happy ending for Jack and Ianto, but we'll see. Seven more months to wait . . .]
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That's... difficult.
Do you think you could do that? I mean, if you were to have sex with him and it was just that, would that be all right with you? I get the impression that he could handle that quite easily (although I may be wrong). If that happened, and that was all it was, and your relationship went back to being colleagues afterwards... How do you think you'd deal with that?
[OOC: Yes. He was criminally underused in the first couple of eps. It's good to know he gets more time, and that he gets to do things in it, too.
Well, what happens in canon doesn't have to happen in the RP~ We're lucky in DN because our canon is over and we can do what we like, but... I know the SPN muns have done a lot of changing canon to make things work for them, maybe you could do the same?]
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God, tell me about it.
And I don't know. I really don't. Maybe it would ease the tensions between us, maybe it would make things worse.
[ooc: Ianto was originally intended to be killed off, but the producers liked GDL so much they decided to keep him. He's a huge fan favorite now, and I think GDL's a bit stunned by it, poor lad.
Jack-mun and I haven't talked about that, really. I wouldn't mind dealing with canon, I think--it's the wait that's driving me crazy. I have a basic idea of how I want to handle the later eps, at least.
Jack will be on Dr Who in a few weeks, btw. I'm not sure exactly when.]
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