likesthecoat | [internet cafe] Near . . . you're too far away

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[internet cafe] Near . . . you're too far away

[Filtered to Near]

I miss you and need to talk to you. Get out of bed already.

Near. Just accept the compliment in the spirit in which it's intended, would you? I trust you. That's the long and the short of it.

I don't think it's really fair for you to put yourself in the position of feeling uncomfortable about pursuing relationships

I feel uncomfortable about it because that's me. When I'm free, I'm free; when I'm with someone, I'm with them. And I consider myself with Jack right now because . . . well, I'm not really sure why, it just sits best with me. The truth of it is, I don't know what Jack wants or doesn't want with me either, aside from the obvious; and while I'm enjoying the obvious very much I just don't want to bring up the possibility of more just yet. Or less, for that matter. It's too soon, we're too new, and Jack doesn't do commitment on a general basis, as far as I can tell. (I know he's had serious relationships in the past, insofar as he's referred to boyfriends and girlfriends, but if that's what he wants with me it just hasn't come up yet.)

And to be perfectly honest, I'm almost afraid to ask because I don't want to hear him say he's seeing other people. I just don't. If he is, I'd just rather not know.

I also have no idea whether or not Lorne would be interested in having that sort of relationship with you-- he is, as you've said, a military man, and as I understand it, having "that sort" or relationship would pretty much end his career.

Yes. How do you ask someone to give up their life's dream for you? You can't, not really, and so I've tried to avoid it whenever we've gotten close. Oh, lord, Near, there have been so many times I've just wanted to reach through the computer monitor and pull him here. It's driving me crazy to want to know and not be able to find out if I'm kidding myself or not--if I'm seeing things that aren't there, yeah?

I'll tell you something: I don't believe in soul mates. I think love is largely a matter of timing and circumstance, and I don't think there's just One Person for everyone. But that's not to say I don't believe love can be lasting and permanent--it's just very difficult to figure out what that is.

The other possibility is that you and Lorne are just very much mentally and emotionally compatible, and you're ridiculously unlucky given the timing of your meeting and both your current life circumstances.

Yes. That's occurred to me. He's wherever-the-hell-he-is and I have the person I've been wanting for months, and it's just . . . right thing, wrong time. Utterly.

. . . I know how to get myself out of handcuffs. But I'll definitely call you if I'm ever in desperate need for Lego.

I know. I was just attempting to inject some humour into the comment in the only place I could see a spot for some, because I don't have very many friends and I would prefer not to drive the few I do have to committing suicide due to the depressing nature of my comments. I appreciate the thought, though. I trust you, as well-- that's why I asked you and Sam over next week, if you wanted to/can come. There aren't very many people I'd expose myself to in the state I expect to be in.

If you're fine with things as they are, then that's one thing, but... Don't take this the wrong way, Ianto, but you seem so very afraid about so much. It can't be good for you to be so scared about the realities of the person you're with. You doubt... You doubt everything-- how much he wants you, where he wants this to go, whether or not he's with just you... everything. And you're expecting more of yourself than you are of him, which (in my experience at least) never works out well. And it's horribly unfair, too. If you really are all right with that, then fine, but if you were... I don't think you'd have let yourself develop these feelings for Lorne, and I don't think you'd be talking to me about it, either.

I'm going to ask you this, and I know you're not going to answer, but you should at least force yourself to think about the question, if nothing else: do you love Lorne? Because... I think you do. It's not the same as it is with Jack-- you're talking about a "permanent" relationship with a man you've never met. So obviously, it's not just physical. And if I'm right... Don't you think you owe it to yourself --and to him-- to at least talk about exploring that with him? You're a wonderful person, Ianto. You'll make someone a very good partner one day. And I like Lorne a lot, I think he's someone who could make someone a wonderful partner, as well, so... Think about it. And... think about talking to him, too.

I didn't believe in soul mates before I was with Matt. And I don't say 'met' him, because it wasn't love at first sight. I've known him since I was eight years old and I barely looked at him until under a year ago. I certainly never thought he was my soul mate. But eventually it just got to the point where I realized... my life would be incomplete without him. If we weren't together anymore, for whatever reason... I would be more than bereaved. A part of me would be missing. I could never love anyone else, because the only reason I ever had for having feelings would be gone. Everyone I met would be compared to him, and found lacking, and it wouldn't be fair on them.

I know it's not like that for everyone. It wouldn't want to be, or the world would just be... well, it would cease to exist as we know it. I know myself and Matt are... ridiculously co-dependent, is the term. I wouldn't change it, though.

Anyway, my point is this: there may not be just one person for everyone, but if I know anything it's that finding one person that you can love-- really love, in the sense of wanting to wake up with them every morning and go to sleep beside them every night, and honestly imagine being around for the rest of your life without knowing that you'd be itching for freedom or be left feeling unfulfilled... It doesn't happen very often. I can't imagine ever being so lucky to find that twice; I'm amazed that it happened for me even once. But if it does --every time it does-- you owe it to yourself to go after it.

...Oh, you do, do you? Ooh, now I really do know something. Thanks for that.

Offer stands for next week, by the way. Pick Sam up and drag him down here. I'm sure we can find all manner of trouble to get into.

[ooc: Ianto is going to answer this but I think it should wait until I'm home from work so I can concentrate.

*hugs Near* He's so awesome.]

[Replying with a different Near account, lolz. In middle of stuff and can't log out, but wanted to say that's fine with me, have him comment back to Near's essay-ass reply and we can delete these two after.

Ianto is win too. I am so hoping we can get those two and Sam together in a room. The world would explode of awesome from that, I think.]

Do I love him?

Wow. You know how to ask the hard questions.

I don't know. I don't know what I feel. I like him very much, but love . . . that's where I get hung up on us never having met in person and start thinking I'm just projecting what I want on someone who'll always remain a fantasy.

As for Jack . . . we're friends. We're friends who happen to sleep together and I suspect it ought to stay that way. It's so fragile right now, this whatever-between-us, I feel like it'll collapse if I try to put any more weight on it.

I'm trying to be simple about this: Jack is here and he wants me. Lorne is not here and I don't know if he wants me. And that's all it is.

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[internet cafe] Near . . . you're too far away

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