[filtered]

[likesthecoat]

[Filtered to Sam, Martha and Near]

Lorne asked me if I feel trapped.

What the hell? Seriously, what the hell?

Comments

[hisdarklady.livejournal.com]

... well. Umm, what was this in response to?

[Private to Ianto]
I assume this has something to do with Jack. Am I right?

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

No need to be private: everyone filtered here knows about Jack.

It was not in response to anything: it was out of the blue. He said he wanted to ask me something that was probably paranoid, and then asked if I felt stuck in a relationship that wasn't worth it.

He said it wasn't about Jack, but I don't believe him entirely.

[hisdarklady.livejournal.com]

Alright, just, you know, erring on the side of caution and all.

I'm assuming you told him you didn't and yeah, I'd probably doubt him on that too.

... but there isn't any reason why he would ask this? I mean, I know you Ianto, I really doubt it was that you went and had drunken orgies with half of Cardiff. But, are you worried that there might be something on his end that makes him ask?

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

The only people who don't know about Jack and me are the new members and the others from Torchwood. I didn't keep it a secret when we first started, and Jack never talks about anything personal anyway.

I told him I didn't. I was hurt he even wanted to ask, though.

The only reason I can think of that he'd ask if that I miss him a lot and he knows it. Maybe he suspects something because I've been so worried about Jack lately, but he also knew why. God, I don't know. Long-distance relationships lend themselves to doubt, maybe.

[hisdarklady.livejournal.com]

They do do that. I've found that sometimes, no matter how much either party really wants to make it work, sometimes it just... can't sustain itself. A bit like a star really.

Well, him asking, was it more of a checking on your wellbeing? Or a thinly veiled attempt to see if you've been with Jack? I can't see Lorne out right accusing you of anything, and I think he knows you wouldn't. Maybe he's just feeling lost with this relationship and wanted to reassure himself that you aren't feeling the same way.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

I don't know why he asked. He said it was paranoia and I guess . . . maybe he does suspect something. Maybe he feels stuck, though when I asked him he said no.

I suppose he may have wanted reassurance, but since it came after we'd fooled around some and were making plans for him to come Earthside during the holidays it hardly could have been timed worse.

[hisdarklady.livejournal.com]

Paranoia, as well as your own deep-seated feelings can play a large part, true. But, as someone that can sympathise with your situation I do want to emphasize what Near said.

Sometimes, it is hard to read the other person. Most of the time you can take things at face value but if he's feeling upset over something, that could bleed over and make him worry and doubt that he is reading you correctly. That maybe its selfish for him to want to do this despite the distance, or afraid that you might grow angry at him or resent him for wanting this.

There are quite a few options.

But, I don't know Lorne's mind as well as you do love.

And while we are sort of on the subject, I mentioned some time ago that you would have to understand your own mind before it began to tear you apart. This might be one of those times.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

Times like this I don't think I know Lorne's mind at all.

As for my own . . . I'm already torn.

[hisdarklady.livejournal.com]

I can understand that. You've already had my break down on understanding John's own mind. I suspect that Lorne might be... jealous of Jack. Not meaning that you're doing anything. But Jack is there physically with you, able to see you all the time and you are there to care for him. Lorne probably has that getting to him and that's warring with his own feelings of trusting you and making him confused.

You've been that way for awhile now love. Not like there's a due date and not like it's just picking and choosing between apples and oranges but you need to sit down and talk it through. If not with me or Near or Sam then with yourself.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

How am I supposed to choose between them? Really choose? I love Lorne and I want to be with him . . . and I need Jack. I just do. He could have died last week and I wanted to scream at him, you know, how could he be so careless, how could he be so stupid, how could he leave us--and I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and never let go.

How do I decide what's better, when I need them both?

[hisdarklady.livejournal.com]

God I don't know Ianto. It's not fair to have to make such a decision nor is it easy. I guess its, having to look at what you have with them both and then imagining yourself without it.

Have you and Lorne been talking about the future? About... what you two want to do later on down the road?

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

Yes, we have. Fanciful daydreams, mostly, but if we both live that long maybe it'll happen.

I know what will happen if I left Jack. I'd shrivel up and die inside. It's not just fear of space travel that keeps me here: it's that choking feeling I get when I think about not seeing Jack every day.

Lorne . . . is necessary, but not in the same way. And I hate that. It feels like it should be the opposite, if he's the person I love and who loves me, shouldn't he be the air that I breathe?

[hisdarklady.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the person you love is normally the one that makes it difficult to breathe when they're gone. As well as hard to breathe when they're there (though for opposite reasons).

Maybe, despite what you want to do to the contrary, you do love Jack. Would life with him be so bad?

[legofortress.livejournal.com]

I'm going to assume you don't feel that way, since I doubt you'd carry on with him if you did. Out of curiosity, what did you say to him...?

I know it was obviously surprising (and probably a little hurtful and insulting), but you are not in a conventional relationship; it's not easy for you to behave in the way a normal couple would, given the distance between you and the fact that you have to hide your relationship, so you're missing out on a lot of the day-to-day reassurances that normal couples would have that would reaffirm their commitment to one another. Lacking body language and daily, face to face interaction, sometimes it can be difficult to determine what the other party is thinking and feeling, and you have to resort to asking flat-out, potentially offensive questions.

Do you have any idea what might have brought this on?

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

I told him if I ever wanted out I'd tell him so; and I said, no, I don't feel trapped or stuck or that it's not worth it. Quite the opposite.

I have no idea why he asked. Well, maybe a small idea. We had a tragedy at work last week and I've been worried about how Jack is taking it, but it's just been concern, nothing more. Lorne wants me to be faithful to him and so I am.

[legofortress.livejournal.com]

Good. I know you feel that way, and I'm sure he knows you feel that way really, but sometimes it's good hear it, just the same. Especially since you can't demonstrate it in smaller ways all the time.

Ah, I see. Well... Maybe that was all he meant, then. Not do you feel trapped on the whole, but merely that if it was difficult (or too difficult) for you to keep your relationship with Jack platonic...? It must be hard for him, knowing that you're around someone on a daily basis who you're attracted to. Especially if he's asked you to end the sexual aspect of your relationship with Jack, he probably feels that he's asked you to give up something he can't readily replace for you, because of the distance.

I'm sure it's just his own guilt and distress of being so far away from you that just happens to be manifesting itself in an unfortunate way, and nothing more.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

Lorne never asked me to stop sleeping with Jack. I just knew he wanted me to, from things he said. (And didn't say. I studied literature. Subtext is like home to me.)

His exact question was, "Do you ever think that being together isn't worth the trouble of being so far apart?" I said no, and I said if this was about Jack nothing's happened. I assumed he thought I'd fallen back into old patterns with Jack--you know, sleeping with him so he feels better--but he said it wasn't about Jack. He said he thought maybe I'd be happier with someone else, and I said no, and we're both a bit upset with each other right now, I think.

I don't get this.

[legofortress.livejournal.com]

I see. Well, that's presumably it, then. I doubt he suspected you of anything-- when you told him you weren't involved with Jack like that any longer, how did you put it? Did you promise, or anything like that...? Lorne trusts you, I doubt he thought you'd do anything like that without telling him. But he might have worried (as I would, in his position, and probably you would, as well) that he's holding you back.

He can't give you all the things I'm sure he wants to, and while on some level he presumably feels possessive of you and wants you to be faithful, I'm sure on another he feels guilty of depriving you of regular physical contact and affection. I don't think it's anything you did, it's just another complication of the long-distance relationship and the fact that he knows you've given up something important to you in order to make him happy. That would make anyone feel a bit guilty, don't you think...?

What don't you get?

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

I told him I hadn't slept with Jack since he and I said we loved each other. I said I didn't know if that make a difference to him and he said it did.

Holding me back from what? From being with Jack? Putting a stop to us was my choice--it felt like the right thing to do, I thought it would put Lorne's fears to rest. I wanted him to know he's the most important person in my life. I don't sleep with Jack because of Lorne, yes, but I thought that would be a good thing, not something to make him feel bad. Christ.

I don't get why trying to reassure him only makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, and I don't get why he doubts me.

[legofortress.livejournal.com]

I bet it makes a huge difference.

Yes, from being with Jack. From having someone in your life that you can touch on a regular basis. From having sex. From feeling free. ...I'm not Lorne, and I don't claim to speak for him. But if I were him... most of these things, these my-lover-quit-them-for-me things... they make you feel both bad and good. It's affirmation of their love, and that's always wonderful, but at the same time, you have to ask yourself if being with you is holding them back, if there are things they're missing out on, if your presence in their life enriches their life or diminishes it. That's... normal. I think. I worry about it with Matt, if I'm... good for him, if being with me is good for him. But it's just because I love him, because I want what's best for him, I want him to be happy. I'm sure that's all it is with Lorne.

You haven't done anything wrong, and I don't think he doubts you. He's probably just insecure, it's his issue, and nothing you did. I bet he would (or will, when things are less tense between you) tell you that himself, too.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

I hope that's all it is. I hate feeling like this.


What if I'm not good for him, though? I've worried about it myself, about him not connecting with someone in Atlantis because he's with me. What if I am holding him back?

Shit. It's not had to have these kinds of doubts, is it.

[legofortress.livejournal.com]

I know. I hate it for you, especially you two being so far apart. Being at odds with your partner when you can be around them is bad enough, I can't imagine what it would be like if there was... distance.

Ianto. You are. Why would you think you're not...? I mean, I know why, in the sense of it being something of an unavoidable avenue of thought for everyone eventually, but you need to try and think objectively about it. There is no reason in the world you wouldn't be good enough for him-- you love him very much, and you've already given up a lot for him. I think you are, and the fact that he still wants to be with you says he thinks so, too.

No, it's really not. As I said, it's unavoidable sometimes, so give him a break. If you want to do something productive about it, you might want to talk to him before he leaves and remind him that you love him and want to be with him very much; let him know that you're happy with things as they are.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

One of the many reasons why long-distance relationships pretty much suck.

I just don't want Lorne to be lonely, and I worry that he is. He reminds me he's got friends and coworkers to keep him company, but he also spends a lot of time on the computer with me. I don't want him to cut himself off from the potential of something wonderful.

I've tried to. I don't think I put it very well but I tried.

[legofortress.livejournal.com]

I know. I wish there was something I could do. Or you could do. Or... anyone, really.

That's his choice to make, the same as it was your choice to end the sexual aspect of your relationship with Jack for Lorne. I understand your concerns completely, but at the end of the day, you have to trust him to know what's best for himself, and try to be as good for him as you can be. Sometimes it doesn't feel like enough, but he deserves to make his own decisions, and the other is really all you can do.

Good. I'm sure once he's feeling better, he'll see that himself. Once you start feeling morose and thinking negatively, it's easy to stay in that frame of mind, and it can take a little while to pull yourself out of it. But going on this mission will probably clear his mind a bit, and I'm sure once he gets back, he'll be feeling better and will understand that you were reaching out to him --even when you were hurt-- because you care so much.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

Last night I couldn't stop thinking about people I know who owe us favors, or owe me favors, or have connections--anybody I could think of that might conceivably know about the Atlantis project and could get me there. i even thought, Fuck, I'll ask Martha to ask the Doctor to come get me.

But leaving now . . . I can't. I just can't.

I hope it clears his head. Maybe it'll clear mine, too.