likesthecoat | whistling past graveyards

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whistling past graveyards

[Filtered to friends]

You know, it's not every day in this job that the bad guys are ordinary people.

It's happened before, of course. What we thought was something malicious and powerful turned out to be petty and small. But still evil. Make no mistake about that.

This . . . I can't say it was evil. More that it was desperate--the same kind of desperation that drives people into a frenzy to feel.

When I want to feel alive, I run. I swim. I cook. I visit family. I talk to friends. If I'm very lucky, I make love.

I can't imagine a life so empty that the only thing that gives it purpose is to risk death.

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... I can.

[Private to Martha]

i sincerely hope you're not referring to yourself with that statement.

It's one thing to put yourself in harm's way to take care of others. That's a different kind of meaning.

It's another entirely to beat someone up just to feel like a man.

True, but sometimes... I wonder about the Doctor. That if sometimes his heroics aren't always brought on because he feels he doesn't mind the outcome.

Not that that is his sole motivator or anything.

I couldn't say, and wouldn't dare try.

No and I doubt evenn I lack the correct perspective to judge some of his actions

hey, it happens every now and then, even in my line of work. i think dean summed it up nicely by saying, 'demons i get. people are just CRAZY.' then again, i'm not sure that inbred, mass-murdering cannibals actually count as PEOPLE, so... it's entirely possible that i'm just talking out of my ass.

again. some more.

some things are worth losing your life over, but a cheap adrenaline rush isn't one of them. what happened, if you don't mind my asking?

Unfortunately, inbred mass-murdering cannibals are still people. They're nasty people, but they're still people.

By the way, it's good to see you.

[Private to Sam]

It's pretty classified, but what I can tell you is this: someone was kidnapping some creatures we look after and causing them pain. It was basically a fight club scenerio. At least two people died and several dozen others have been injured.

We've shut it down.

i don't know if i can agree with you on that one. i'm still kinda scarred from the experience.

it's good to be back. in might've hit upon a solution to my little problem, so maybe we'll even get to see more of each other around here.

[Private to Ianto]

fun and games with weevils, from what i hear. but that's only after piecing a few things together from the separate stories. was anyone else besides owen hurt? and how on earth do the courts over there prosecute for something like that? charge them with sponsoring unlawful gatherings and... what? alien abuse?

and while i'm on the subject... how the fuck did owen get mixed up in that shit? is he having some sort of mental breakdown, or what?

So am I, literally.

Good. I'd hate to have to beat some sense into you. That would just make us both cranky.

[Private to Sam]

Ah. I wasn't aware he was telling people details. Yes, fun and games with weevils, and he was the only one of our team hurt. Some civilians have some healing to do.

We're not law enforcement, really, so I'm not sure how the courts will handle it. No one would believe those two men were killed by creatures from another planet, and no one's going to get framed for their deaths . . . *sighs* I don't think any charges will be brought, really. The man who organized it is dead, and as for the rest, I don't think they're going to charge anyone with assault.

He's been having a rough time of things lately. There was a woman who left him, and I don't think he's ever really recovered from the death of his wife, and it all . . . escalated, I suppose. (I will admit I'm not the most sympathetic, though. Diane may have left but at least he knows she's still alive.)

He was the lucky one who got the undercover assignment.

from this incident in particular, or have you had yourself a run-in with some inbred, mass-murdering cannibals, too?

don't waste your time. dean's been trying that tactic for twenty-some years now, and it hasn't worked.

[Private to Ianto]

he's not going around spilling info on what happened if that's what you're worried about. i think he just finds one or two of around here easier to talk to than most. not that he does much talking about private stuff, anyway.

dude, that SUCKS. what's going to stop them from doing it again if there aren't any consequences to their actions? okay, so the guy in charge got wasted, but the whole fight club thing had to have been either massively 'entertaining' or financially lucrative in order for him to take a risk like that in the first place. unfortunately, some people just don't LEARN from others' bad examples.

i wish i knew how to help. owen's like, the SADDEST person i know, and everything i do to try and cheer him up just falls flat. you'll give me a heads-up if he does anything else crazy, right?

I had a run-in with inbred, mass-murdering cannibals earlier this year. I have a scar on my neck from where they started to bleed me. Fortunately Jack interfered before they could cut any deeper and I just had the concussion to recover from.

[Private to Sam]

I'm not worried. I think none of us are really that used to having people we can confide in, but Owen actually talking to people about it wasn't what I expected from him.

I don't know. We'll be keeping a closer eye on the weevils, mostly.

I'll try to keep an eye on him, but the fact is there's a lot of tension between us. He doesn't exactly confide in me and I'm not sure what I'd do if he did. I think the only person outside of TIC that he really talks to is Gwen. (Our Gwen, not New Gwen.)

Of all the things I saw in my old life, the capacity of "normal" people to continue to behave with the utmost stupidity or flat-out evil was the only thing that still surprised me.

The more I see, the more I'm convinced "normal" is just a comforting lie we tell ourselves.

Yeah, well, still, it's a continuum. I've met people for whom the weirdest thing about them was some mild sexual kink or something.

And then there's monsters, serial killers, rapists, kidnappers. And worse.

Yes. I know about that sort of thing.

I hope it isn't as intimately as I do.

I suspect not, but enough to be aware.

Bad enough.

The only thing that gets me through the day most of the time is knowing the opposite's true as well. No matter what evil you find, there's always the people willing to die to beat it.

I was once told the danger we face is worth it, to protect people. I'm getting better at believing it.

I wonder, on my bad days. But those aren't so often anymore. Havin' the kid around makes it easy to see why I gave up everything else. Nothing like offspring for perspective.

I've no kids myself and no plans for them but I do have two nieces and a nephew I'd cross an ocean of broken glass for. So, yes. They're worth it.

Oh, I never did either. Hell, I was 40 when he was born.

But even if most of the adults are a loss, there are a lot of kids on this planet, aren't there?

My chosen partner is a bloke. So I'm sure you understand the complications there.

Yes, there are, and they're all worth protecting, but it's easier on the human mind to put a face and a name on an issue than try to understand the vast numbers that actually exist.

Ah, but you have a partner, nonetheless? Then you never know, not really. Believe me, only the most bizarre of circumstances could've pull Will's mother and I in the position we were in and lead to his birth, and yet here he is.

Not that you should want kids, necessarily. Only pointing out that sometimes they just...happen. And not in the broken condom sort of way.

Yes, I do have a partner, but as I said, he's a bloke. And I'm a bloke. And neither of us have the kind of sedate lifestyle that would persuade an adoption agency to give us a child.

'course not. I don't know, that isn't really what I meant, I just -- well, I don't know what I meant. Forget it.

I don't either, so all right.

Sorry. Today's shaping up to be one of the bad ones.

The bad ones?

Sometimes the memories just get a little overwhelming, that's all.

I think that concludes my emo hour for today. I apologize.

It's not trouble, I just don't understand at all.

I get that a lot. No problem.

It feels like being betrayed, doesn't it? Like you're doing your best to help these people, only to find out that they're just as bad as what you're trying to protect them from. Sometimes worse.

Risking death though...that's a very effective way of feeling alive. There are other, better ways, but that will do it just about every time.

But meaninglessly? Just for the sake of the rush? Sure, it's effective, but it's also pointless if you're only doing it for the adrenaline.

No. Not meaninglessly.

At least, I wouldn't do it for no good reason, but...if that's all you had, and it was the only way you could feel alive, if you had no family, no friends, no one to make love to, I can almost understand why someone would do that.

One of the men who died had a good job, a wife and a child.

I don't understand it at all.

Sometimes I reckon the worst kind of bad guys are the ordinary people. Are your people all ok?

Sometimes that adrenaline rush of cheating death is the only thing that can make you feel alive. And then after a while you have to get closer and closer to the risk to get the same affect.

It's kinda like taking drugs only with less side effects in my experience.

We're all okay. Some more okay than others.

Addiction's the same no matter what you're addicted to. That doesn't make it any less troubling.

well I hope you all reach the same higher level of okayness soon.

Addictions are complicated things- that's why therapists make so much money. The whole Pain/Adrenaline thing as a drug is very common where I come from, goes with the demon territory I think. Wolfram and Hart have a hand in a ring of demon fight clubs round LA. Even when one was shut down a few years back, people still flocked to the next one.

Time heals and all that.

I know they're complicated, but it still comes down to a desire for fulfillment from an external source.

So you're in the demon business, are you?

good luck to you guys and let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Got a gorgeous villa in Milan if anyone needs any away time.

Fulfillment, or the chance to forget some shit, or pretend for a while. Your icon is very appropriate. Sometimes, some people can't find peace from within so they take what they can get from anywhere. Whatver they need to keep the mask on for the outside world. It's not so hard to understand really.

Sorry, thought you knew. Yeah, freak like me and the demon world go well together, fit in slightly better with them than the humans. I kinda work for a law firm called Wolfram and Hart (although that's become a whole lot more complicated lately) , founded by ancient demons. The black arts and the occult is where the big money is. Been known to do some demon ass kicking on the odd occasion (although it tends to be more me getting my ass kicked.)

It's hard for me to understand why someone would rather seek fulfillment from an external source that gives ever-diminishing returns than to try and reconcile one's self with the problem.

No, I don't believe you've mentioned it before.

some problems can't be fixed so people have to go externally to try to forget for a while. Trust me, I do some pretty fucked up shit sometimes to try to forget I'm a freak. I guess some people are just weaker than others.

Ah, sorry, thought I had! (lose track sometimes of what I've said where!) I won't bore you with any details here, they're over in my journal if you're curious.

I've always taken my comfort in other people so that's what makes sense to me. Maybe it's my way of being weak.

I'll have to look sometime.

it aint weak to take comfort in others. Just not everyone has anyone else. If you're on your own some crazy shit starts to make sense.

You're always welcome to sugar, any time. could always use another perspective on the weirdness that is my life!

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whistling past graveyards

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