[internet cafe] fy calon i yn anafen

[likesthecoat]

I feel the need to explain myself a little. I loved a woman called Lisa. She died. I'm dealing with it--sometimes well, sometimes poorly.

Tonight has been one of the 'poorly' nights. I saw a woman on the street on the way home tonight who looked so much like Lisa I almost called her name.

Here's something they don't tell you about grief: sometimes it just hits you when you think you're fine, you're doing okay, you're going to get on with living. Just when I think I'm moving on and rebuilding my life, something small like this happens and completely wrecks me again. I feel blindsided by it, like I've been knocked down from behind.

I've been struggling with whether to leave this entry private, or filter it, or write it in Welsh just to say it without saying it--but I'm tired of hiding everything I feel even here.

This is really me, denizens of TIC, and in all honesty I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by being open.

I miss her. That's all it is, and it's so much.

Comments

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

Some days I have more hope for a second chance than others.

[Private to Sanzo]
Sometimes I think I don't deserve one, but that's where it gets messy and complicated again. There are times the guilt over wanting to move on outweighs the desire to do the actual moving.

I hate this.

[sanzo-31.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto ]

I understand that as well. There have been so many times when I've prevented myself from making any progress in this arena, not feeling as if I deserve to move beyond the past and find happiness and peace. And perhaps, if the person were anyone but Hakkai, I wouldn't be able to. But, he's patiently stood by me for years, helping me confront my personal demons while facing equally as dark and deadly ones of his own. He never pushed me for anything, never told me to get over it... even when I was at my most ugly he supported me with his sense of humor, kind smile and gently berating words. But, I think the thing that convinced me the most that it was time to force myself forward was when I so nearly lost him just recently. By trying to avoid repeating the pain of my past, I magnified it tenfold. He's too dear to me to risk losing a second time by remaining complacent, not to mention the fact that I don't think I could endure that pain again.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

[Private to Sanzo]
With Jack it's . . . well, let me put it like this. He was there when Lisa died. And the things we said to each other that night are still between us, and I don't know how to move past them, not really.

Jack and I have always been attracted to each other--though I often think Jack is to attracted to anything with a pulse, so I try not to put too much stock in it on a personal level--and I sometimes think if we'd just slept together in the beginning there wouldn't be so much baggage now, the employer/employee issues and the friendship issues--because I do like him, and I think I would even if I weren't attracted to him--and all the everything else.

Like I said. Messy. I'm probably overanalysing it but I can't help myself.