likesthecoat: (in these stones horizons sing)
[Private Entry]

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Pablo Neruda
likesthecoat: (earthrise)
[Private Entry]
Oh, god.

My girl.

Open the rift, she said. Open the rift or people will die.

Oh, god. Lisa.

[Filtered to Lorne]

Sweetheart, please check in and let me know you're all right.


Jul. 21st, 2007 04:12 pm
likesthecoat: (ianto & lisa)
[Filtered to Lorne]

I promised you a story. This is a story about Lisa.

I'm recycling it from what I wrote for Sam a while back. I hope that's all right.

This is the story of a girl and a boy and a place called Torchwood. )
likesthecoat: (ianto & lisa)
I feel the need to explain myself a little. I loved a woman called Lisa. She died. I'm dealing with it--sometimes well, sometimes poorly.

Tonight has been one of the 'poorly' nights. I saw a woman on the street on the way home tonight who looked so much like Lisa I almost called her name.

Here's something they don't tell you about grief: sometimes it just hits you when you think you're fine, you're doing okay, you're going to get on with living. Just when I think I'm moving on and rebuilding my life, something small like this happens and completely wrecks me again. I feel blindsided by it, like I've been knocked down from behind.

I've been struggling with whether to leave this entry private, or filter it, or write it in Welsh just to say it without saying it--but I'm tired of hiding everything I feel even here.

This is really me, denizens of TIC, and in all honesty I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by being open.

I miss her. That's all it is, and it's so much.
likesthecoat: (ianto & lisa)
[Private Entry]

p. 58: bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love.

I have her things. I have gifts she gave me and photographs and her CD collection, and if I want to see her face all I have to do is open the album and look. But she's not in these things, any more than she was in her body that last day.

If it's natural to lose, it stands to reason that it's also natural to gain.

Everything changed in a moment, everything, and months later I'm still reeling. I still don't know what to do next.

p. 68. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process. All right, then.
likesthecoat: (ianto & lisa)
[Private entry]

It occurs to me how odd it must look, the mourning for Lisa and the Jack issues. I don't know how I'd explain it to anyone, if they asked. I can't even explain it to myself, really.

I miss her.

Maybe that is all I have to say about it.


likesthecoat: (Default)

July 2012

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