[internet cafe] fy calon i yn anafen

[likesthecoat]

I feel the need to explain myself a little. I loved a woman called Lisa. She died. I'm dealing with it--sometimes well, sometimes poorly.

Tonight has been one of the 'poorly' nights. I saw a woman on the street on the way home tonight who looked so much like Lisa I almost called her name.

Here's something they don't tell you about grief: sometimes it just hits you when you think you're fine, you're doing okay, you're going to get on with living. Just when I think I'm moving on and rebuilding my life, something small like this happens and completely wrecks me again. I feel blindsided by it, like I've been knocked down from behind.

I've been struggling with whether to leave this entry private, or filter it, or write it in Welsh just to say it without saying it--but I'm tired of hiding everything I feel even here.

This is really me, denizens of TIC, and in all honesty I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by being open.

I miss her. That's all it is, and it's so much.

Comments

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto]


Hey, I know this is one of those things people say when they don't know what else to say (kind of like "be safe" :)), but I kind of know where you're coming from. And we all have good days and bad days when we're dealing with this shit.

I saw a woman a couple weeks ago who reminded me of someone I'll never see again. It hurts, man. It fucks you up, and that's actually a good thing. It means you're still human, and that's (mostly) a good thing to be. Just take it as it comes. Deal with things in your own time. Okay, now I'm spouting psycho-babble, and that means it's time to stop.

Seriously though, you're a braver man than I am. It takes a lot of courage to be open about it.

[sanzo-31.livejournal.com]

I too have experienced such a loss. It's been years and I have yet to fully put it behind me. I don't think I ever will. And, on top of his loss, I feel responsible for that fact that he is no longer here with me. All I can say is that the better days eventually do outweigh the worse ones, and that, even though it might not seem like it, there is hope for healing- for a second chance. I never would have thought it possible until just recently, and believe me, if I can hope again, anyone can.

[chigong-master.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto]

I also lost my wife. The circumstances surrounding it...ah, where to begin with that? It's a long, messy story, and if you want to know the details, tell me and I'll fill you in if you think it may help you. The short story is she was taken from me, I went after her, and when I finally reached her, she thanked me by taking her own life in front of me while I watched, unable to stop her.

Believe me, my friend, I do understand about good days and bad days. When it happened, I wanted to die. I wanted to find someone who would pity me and put me out of my misery, because I just felt so...alone and empty. Even now, sometimes I do feel that way. It's quite surreal.

I often wonder if I've had more bad days than good ones, and I also find it amazing that I've managed to not only survive for as long as I have, but that I've even learned to want to go on living. It's been almost four years for me, now. Some days, I don't think of her at all, and then other days, it's like she's there, and it hurts all over again, and it's just crushing.

Grief is a terrible, powerful emotion. It has such a hold over us, and seems to taunt us, letting us think we've finally escaped it only to come up and, as you say, blindside you.

You will find your own coping strategies. Some will work, some won't. Sometimes, you'll go for months and be fine, and then it will hit you. I wish you all the best in battling your demons. I know that I haven't been entirely successful in coping with mine.

If I can offer you one piece of advice (feel free to take it or leave it), don't let your guilt consume you. For the longest time, I thought I was going to drown in the weight of mine, until I realized what I was feeling guilty for. I felt guilty for the fact that I was alive... If you can let go to just that, you'll find that you feel a bit better.

Sorry for rambling...

[legofortress.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto]

I don't know why I'm making this a private comment given that your entry was public, but, anyway: I admire your honesty, and your bravery, and I'm sorry for your loss.

I realize that there isn't anything anyone can say to make it at all better, but if ever you want to talk... Well, you know the drill, I'm sure. If you don't mind my asking, how long has it been since her death?