[internet cafe] fy calon i yn anafen

[likesthecoat]

I feel the need to explain myself a little. I loved a woman called Lisa. She died. I'm dealing with it--sometimes well, sometimes poorly.

Tonight has been one of the 'poorly' nights. I saw a woman on the street on the way home tonight who looked so much like Lisa I almost called her name.

Here's something they don't tell you about grief: sometimes it just hits you when you think you're fine, you're doing okay, you're going to get on with living. Just when I think I'm moving on and rebuilding my life, something small like this happens and completely wrecks me again. I feel blindsided by it, like I've been knocked down from behind.

I've been struggling with whether to leave this entry private, or filter it, or write it in Welsh just to say it without saying it--but I'm tired of hiding everything I feel even here.

This is really me, denizens of TIC, and in all honesty I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by being open.

I miss her. That's all it is, and it's so much.

Comments

[legofortress.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto]

Oh, no; I think if you knew the answer to that question you'd either have put the idea out of your head entirely, or you'd have better things to do than sit here and talk to me... You can love someone even when you see their flaws, you know. I didn't really used to think that was true, but it is. There's a difference in love and blind love, I think, so you can still be in love with someone and still see their... less fine points. I can imagine you watch him a lot-- from the limted about that I've seen, he's a very interesting person. Although I get the feeling there's a great deal more to him than meets the eye. Any eye, at that.

I can well believe it. I only asked because I wondered if he might behave differently if it were someone he was involved with already (in a non-romantic sense) because he couldn't really get away from them afterwards, so he'd probably have to alter his behaviour, at least a little. Maybe he deliberately avoids 'office romances', then...?

But he has been there for you when you're hurt? It doesn't matter what he does or how he does it so long as he's seen you at your weakest and tried to make it better. It means he does care for you, at least.

It's interesting that you used the word gentle. I may be very wrong, but Jack doesn't particularly strike me as the type to be... emotionally gentle. As to what's right... Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but sod what's right. You need to work out what you want. I don't think you could hurt Jack by being with him unless he developed feelings for you and you were to turn him away-- but I don't think you'd do that. Therefore, the only person whose feelings you need to consider is yourself. Forget about what's right for a little while and focus on working out what it is that you want, and once you know that, it's a much better place to start out from.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

Comment filtering:

[Private to Near]
I don't love Jack, though. I like him. I want him. But that's not love and I doubt it ever will be. He has too many secrets for there to be that much trust.

As long as I've been here--which, I admit, has only been 18 months or so--he hasn't dated anyone, period. Which is not to say I know what he does after we've all left for the night. I have my assumptions, but it's not the kind of thing I ask for more details about.

If I could work out what I want . . . no, I know what I want. I just don't know how to get it.