likesthecoat | [filtered] this is not about Lego

[Filtered to Near and Sam]

Last night I told Lorne I love him. Well, what I said was "I think I love you" which is probably not what most people dream of hearing, but it's also the truth.

His response was less than heartening.

I think I could have reacted better; but as it was I was too embaressed to stick around any further and cut off the conversation, and then rang Jack, because what's better when you feel rejected than someone who'll never say no to you.

(Though to be fair Lorne didn't say he'd never love me--he just said he wasn't sure yet. Still. Not what somebody wants to hear back.)

Either way, I'm using Jack terribly though I doubt he minds that much. And now I have to wonder how I'm going to speak to Lorne again, having this between us.

In sum, this relationship thing sucks and I'm terrible at it. I even had a good long conversation with Martha over the weekend about my harem and she thinks Jack would be better for me as he's actually here, and . . . I wish somebody would just tell me "this person is right for you."

Of course, nobody knows that, do they? Not for other people, at any rate, and not always for themselves.

So. How are you?

Threaded | Flat

[ ooc; Awwww, Ianto! ;~; I want to coddle him. <3 ]

...I'm very well, thank you.

Christ, Ianto. I wish I knew what else to say. I can only imagine how entirely awful that must have been for you. I'm so, so sorry.

I'll be honest. I don't know how Lorne feels, exactly. However, I will say that given his situation and general disposition, I don't think he would have involved himself with you if he didn't feel something, and I think it's very possible that if that something was love, it would be understandable if he were afraid to admit it, even to himself. Given the distance between you, your work, and the fact that being with you would mean leaving his work entirely, accepting that he'd fallen in love with you would be extremely difficult for you. I know you said he didn't rule out the possibility of ever being in love with you, but I think it's also possible that he is in love with you now, and just hasn't quite wrapped his head around it yet.

And... I am hesitant to say this because the last thing I want right now is for you to feel I'm attacking you, but... there's also Jack. Were I in Lorne's position, I would feel very hesitant of admitting to feelings like that for you, knowing that there is someone else in your life who occupies so much of your thoughts and your heart. He's probably terrified of getting hurt if he falls for you completely, and then loses you to Jack.

Besides, you said "I think I love you", didn't you? That's just a nicer way of saying "I'm not sure", which is what he said, isn't it? Maybe he's just not as good at putting his feelings into the best possible words?

Basically what I'm saying is that this has been awful for you, but you shouldn't give up on him. Even if it's awkward for a little while. You both obviously care so much about each other, it would be a shame to let fear --yours or his-- get in the way of that.

As for using Jack... It seems to me that your relationship with him is based on mutually beneficial using. You're not taking anything from him that he isn't taking from you, and he's not asking you for any more than he's prepared to give. There isn't anything wrong with that, and you shouldn't feel guilty of using him. That's not the case.

Do you really want someone to tell you who's "right" for you? Can anyone make that choice for you but you? I don't think so. But even if someone did, there is always the obstacle of the other person, and what they are willing or able to offer, and the question of whether or not you're right for them. With Jack, it's his flightiness and inability to commit. With Lorne, it's his work and the distance between you. So I guess it's a question of who you think is willing or able to change.

I know you're probably full up on visitors right now, but it's only about 130 miles from here. I could come see you tonight, if you wanted.

i know you said you didn't want to 'talk' about it, and i'll shut up if you want me to, but none of this sounds one-sided to me.

there IS such a thing as taking someone by surprise with a love confession, you know. i've had it done to me, and my reaction was pretty much the same as lorne's, maybe even worse. doesn't mean the feelings aren't reciprocated, not by a MILE.

i know your mind wants to go over every angle of this situation, and pick it apart and try to figure out if you missed any nuances of the conversation, or maybe you want to look back over everything and pinpoint exactly what you did wrong, but you'll only drive yourself crazy like that. just sayin'

and i don't have a clue what you've told jack about any of this, but if your feelings for lorne are this strong, i doubt if you've been hiding it all that well. for whatever reason jack's still around, he probably has a decent inkling of what he's gotten himself into. don't beat yourself up with guilt over that, TOO.

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