likesthecoat | [filtered] this is not about Lego

Entry tags:

[filtered] this is not about Lego

[Filtered to Near and Sam]

Last night I told Lorne I love him. Well, what I said was "I think I love you" which is probably not what most people dream of hearing, but it's also the truth.

His response was less than heartening.

I think I could have reacted better; but as it was I was too embaressed to stick around any further and cut off the conversation, and then rang Jack, because what's better when you feel rejected than someone who'll never say no to you.

(Though to be fair Lorne didn't say he'd never love me--he just said he wasn't sure yet. Still. Not what somebody wants to hear back.)

Either way, I'm using Jack terribly though I doubt he minds that much. And now I have to wonder how I'm going to speak to Lorne again, having this between us.

In sum, this relationship thing sucks and I'm terrible at it. I even had a good long conversation with Martha over the weekend about my harem and she thinks Jack would be better for me as he's actually here, and . . . I wish somebody would just tell me "this person is right for you."

Of course, nobody knows that, do they? Not for other people, at any rate, and not always for themselves.

So. How are you?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ ooc; Awwww, Ianto! ;~; I want to coddle him. <3 ]

[ooc: *snuggles Matt* Not the best day he's had lately.]

[ How sad. :( Near and Matt should go see him and bring copious amounts of alcohol. ]

...I'm very well, thank you.

Christ, Ianto. I wish I knew what else to say. I can only imagine how entirely awful that must have been for you. I'm so, so sorry.

I'll be honest. I don't know how Lorne feels, exactly. However, I will say that given his situation and general disposition, I don't think he would have involved himself with you if he didn't feel something, and I think it's very possible that if that something was love, it would be understandable if he were afraid to admit it, even to himself. Given the distance between you, your work, and the fact that being with you would mean leaving his work entirely, accepting that he'd fallen in love with you would be extremely difficult for you. I know you said he didn't rule out the possibility of ever being in love with you, but I think it's also possible that he is in love with you now, and just hasn't quite wrapped his head around it yet.

And... I am hesitant to say this because the last thing I want right now is for you to feel I'm attacking you, but... there's also Jack. Were I in Lorne's position, I would feel very hesitant of admitting to feelings like that for you, knowing that there is someone else in your life who occupies so much of your thoughts and your heart. He's probably terrified of getting hurt if he falls for you completely, and then loses you to Jack.

Besides, you said "I think I love you", didn't you? That's just a nicer way of saying "I'm not sure", which is what he said, isn't it? Maybe he's just not as good at putting his feelings into the best possible words?

Basically what I'm saying is that this has been awful for you, but you shouldn't give up on him. Even if it's awkward for a little while. You both obviously care so much about each other, it would be a shame to let fear --yours or his-- get in the way of that.

As for using Jack... It seems to me that your relationship with him is based on mutually beneficial using. You're not taking anything from him that he isn't taking from you, and he's not asking you for any more than he's prepared to give. There isn't anything wrong with that, and you shouldn't feel guilty of using him. That's not the case.

Do you really want someone to tell you who's "right" for you? Can anyone make that choice for you but you? I don't think so. But even if someone did, there is always the obstacle of the other person, and what they are willing or able to offer, and the question of whether or not you're right for them. With Jack, it's his flightiness and inability to commit. With Lorne, it's his work and the distance between you. So I guess it's a question of who you think is willing or able to change.

I know you're probably full up on visitors right now, but it's only about 130 miles from here. I could come see you tonight, if you wanted.

I know he feels something. He's always going on about how amazing and sexy he finds me, and I know he's not just saying that as flattery. I just thought--hell, I don't know what I thought. There have been so many times when I've wanted to say "I love you, and I love this and this and this about you", and I haven't because I didn't know how he'd take it.

And now I know. And I did not think I'd feel like I'd said something wrong afterwards.

Jack says I'm not using him and I'm sure he doesn't think that I am. But every time it's 2 a.m. and I phone him because I'm lonely or frustrated . . . I mean, he shouldn't be my booty call, should he? Even if I do feel better afterwards. (And I usually do. At least I've yet to feel worse.)

Thank you for the offer, but I don't think I want any visitors for a bit. I think I need some time alone.

Maybe over the weekend? We could go out for dinner Saturday night.

You don't know for sure. People don't always tell the truth-- do you? You just said you'd sat on that particular urge for quite a while, you don't know for sure that he isn't doing the same. Saying it back would have been a huge step, Ianto. It would have necessitated some sort of action. It's all very well having vague feelings and cybersex and conducting a fun flirtatious relationship over the internet, but the moment that you two admit that you're both in love with the other, that's it. Things are different. He might just be scared of that, you don't know that he isn't.

You didn't say anything wrong. You were honest with your feelings and yourself, and of course you got hurt, and drew back when he didn't immediately say he felt the same. That's totally understandable. But you shouldn't write off the possibility of something between you completely. Take a day or so and then contact him again if he hasn't contacted you.

Would you do the same for him if he needed it? If you're not doing anything to him that you wouldn't do for him, there's nothing wrong with it. Especially if he doesn't have a problem with it. You have enough things to worry about right now, don't go looking for problems where there aren't any. If Jack doesn't mind it and it makes you feel better, it's fine.

Understandable, I just wanted to make the offer in case it might help.

That would be wonderful, I'll see what I can do.

. . . why does everything you say have to be so logical and sensible?

*sigh*

I'm not writing anything off. I just don't know what to do next. And I've missed him so fucking much today.

Would you do the same for him if he needed it? I assume you're talking about Jack here, and yes, I would.

All right. I'll look for you on Saturday. You still have my mobile number, yes?

I take vitamins every morning~

It's good that you're not. As to what to do next... Take a little bit of space for yourself. Distance yourself from the computer for a while and do something you enjoy, like running or going to the cinema or something. And then come back and tell him that your feelings are hurt but not so badly that you don't want to talk to him, and that you missed him, and then go from there.

I know putting your heart on the line and getting hurt once feels like it's more than enough, but sometimes it isn't. Sometimes you have to just be prepared to keep at it for a while. I know it's hard, but it can be worth it, in the end, and even if you don't get what you want, you always learn something that will stand to you later. And when you do...

I was, and I know you would. That's my point. It would only be using him if you weren't prepared to do the same.

I do, and I'll call you when I'm in the area. I want to sign off here with something platitudinous and inspiring, but I can't quite thing of anything. If I can help in any way or you want to talk about it (or anything else) at all, ever, I'm available to you, all right?

I know you are. And I love you for it. In a purely platonic, fraternal way.

I should hope so, too; you really don't need another complication in your life right now...

I love you (as a friend) as well, in a similarly brotherly and platonic sort of way. ~~Although you did look great in that swimsuit~~~

Naughty.

Just trying to make you laugh~

...And lighten the moment. I've never actually said that to a friend before...

You achieved your goal. I know you'll have to take my word on that.

I will, though.

Which is not, incidentally, to suggest that you didn't look good, merely that I have eyes only for Matt.

*laughs* I know, Near. I wouldn't expect anything different from you.

Just making clear that it wasn't an insult, even an unintentional one.

(This would be the point where, if this was not the internet, I would mumble something to the effect of, "You have a very lovely body," and then shuffle off at high speed with a flamingly red face.)

*cracks up* (And this would be the point when I would also blush fiercely and mutter thank you.)

Not that I'd be able to hear you.

You severely underestimate the speed of shuffling~

That's not shuffling, lad, that's running.

Running requires you to lift your feet off the floor.

Ever seen the way Lucy Liu goes down the table before she decapitates the man who insulted her in 'Kill Bill'? That's me.

. . . that's a rather freaky image.

Well, I don't wear the kimono, obviously. Or those stupid (and presumably deeply uncomfortable) shoes.

I can use a sword, though.

I have no doubt you can use a sword. It's you, shuffling along like your legs are bound . . . freaky.

I'll demonstrate for you this weekend. :D

*claps hands* OH BOY!

*smiles*

You might have to get me drunk first, though.

Would Matt ever forgive me if I did?

For what, watching me stumble around drunkenly? Don't worry, it really isn't anything he hasn't seen before.

For getting you drunk, I mean.

[ooc: bedtime.]

Matt wouldn't care about that in the slightest, so long as I didn't try to drive myself home or anything like that. No need for concern, don't worry.

[OOC: NP. :)]

No fear--if I got you that drunk I'd take the keys away.

A sensible idea.

I won't be driving, though; I'm not nearly good enough to go driving about on the roads alone at night in an area I'm not familiar with. Besides, I couldn't take Matt's baby away with me while I was gone myself. He'd be totally beside himself with both of us gone...

If I had a beauty like that I wouldn't be able to tear myself away from it, either.

How long is he going to be gone? Should I stock up on more ice cream to comfort you through the Matt-less weekend?

The Koenigsegg, or his proper car? Because he only had the Koenigsegg for the day. He's much too attached to his own one for me to get him another one, even one as amazing as that. I do like his own car, though. We've been through a lot in it.

Oh, he'll probably just be gone from Saturday morning. I won't say no to ice cream, but I should probably head back that night/early morning so he doesn't have to spend the night by himself. I don't want him to have to be alone again so soon after New York.

He didn't handle being by himself too well, and... he doesn't really sleep without me there.

All right--no heavy drinking and I'll get you safely back on the train, full of ice cream. (And jam.)

I'm not going back on the train alone in the middle of the night, are you mad? I'll get folded up and put in someone's rucksack, and then be sold into child slavery.

Besides, I'd have to leave way too early for that. I'll have a driver come pick me up in the small hours, it's fine.

Thank you, though.

. . . people travel by train all the time, and are very rarely sold into slavery. Very, very rarely.

But yes. Be all posh and get a driver.

"Very, very rarely" is not as iron-clad as I would like it to be. Can you imagine what would happen if I were sold into slavery? The world would grind to a halt, obviously. And you'd all have to watch Matt going slowly mad. Or quickly mad, probably. And who would give really obvious advice and sort out everyone's emotional dilemmas?

It would be a terrible thing. Best I just take the safe route and have someone drive me.

~~Especially if I'd be drunk end up getting off at the wrong stop and wandering around god knows where at five in the morning...~~

The world would grind to a halt as we tore it apart to find you. Because we can't live without your obvious advice and sorting abilities.

You're absolutely right, though. Use your driver.

i know you said you didn't want to 'talk' about it, and i'll shut up if you want me to, but none of this sounds one-sided to me.

there IS such a thing as taking someone by surprise with a love confession, you know. i've had it done to me, and my reaction was pretty much the same as lorne's, maybe even worse. doesn't mean the feelings aren't reciprocated, not by a MILE.

i know your mind wants to go over every angle of this situation, and pick it apart and try to figure out if you missed any nuances of the conversation, or maybe you want to look back over everything and pinpoint exactly what you did wrong, but you'll only drive yourself crazy like that. just sayin'

and i don't have a clue what you've told jack about any of this, but if your feelings for lorne are this strong, i doubt if you've been hiding it all that well. for whatever reason jack's still around, he probably has a decent inkling of what he's gotten himself into. don't beat yourself up with guilt over that, TOO.

It felt like time to say it, that's all. Lorne and I have got very close recently and I wouldn't have thought it was that much of a surprise, all things considered.

Jack's aware. He knows the entirety of the situation, and he says as long as we both want each other he sees no reason to stop. But even if he doesn't mind, I still feel like a heel.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[filtered] this is not about Lego

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject