likesthecoat | [internetcafe] the Captain

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[internetcafe] the Captain

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I promised to talk about my boss at some point. This is as good a point as any.

The Captain recruited me from my former place of employment (which came to an abrupt end due to external circumstances) and brought me back to Cardiff. The job itself is less prestigious and lower-paying than my old one, but we're a smaller facility and I didn't have much senority there anyway. I had my own reasons for staying with the organization, but that ended a few months ago.

So the question arose as to whether I'd stay or go. Leaving, however, was never a real option for me--not just because of the work, but because of the man.

I had to take a bit of a walk just now, trying to get my thoughts together and deciding how much to say and how to say it. Have you ever had someone who is everything you're not, everything you wish you could be, everything you know you'll never be? Someone, in my case, who is charismatic and confident and charming, and who, by some perversion of fate, seems to find you . . . intriguing.

That's the Captain.

I don't know if it's attraction due to novelty, or attraction due to gratitude (our line of work is not safe by any means, and he's saved my life more than once), or some kind of hero-worship. Or what.

It's all very confusing and frustrating and I swear sometimes if he says one more thing about my suits I may take a swing at him. Or snog him senseless. I haven't decided yet.

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I'm voting for the snogging. But that's just me.

Some days I'm inclined to agree with you.

Snogging is my answer for everything, though. :D

Oddly enough, it's also his--that or shooting someone. And he wouldn't shoot me.

Probably.

Sounds just like me. Bet I'd get along with him just fine.

Oh, lord. Save me from the trigger-happy.

Near's not partial to my guns so I try not to keep them on the low. I'm not so big on them as I used to be.

I don't like them either. I know how to use them--have to--but I don't carry one with me at all times. The Captain does.

I used to carry mine all the time, but not so much now.

Personally I can't imagine having that thing on my belt all the time. But some people find it reassuring, I suppose?

Hnn. I did. But back then I wasn't in the safest of situations, so I felt it necessary to have.

That's understandable, I suppose. Still, not a situation I'd be comfortable in. And (to return to the original point) having someone with a gun around all the time doesn't necessarily make me feel safe, either. The Captain has not hesitated to draw it no matter what the circumstances, and while in one case it did save my life, in others . . . I'd just rather he didn't.

Mmm. Getting involved with your boss is potentially a very bad idea.

Do you have reason to believe that he is interested in you in... that way... as well...?

There was a kiss. His doing.

He's also a blatant flirt, but it's not hard to ignore flirting. And it's flattering, in its way.

Hm. That may or may not mean anything more than that he finds you attractive, which... isn't really enough of a reason to pursue something if he's your boss, in my opinion.

You can always flirt with him back, of course, and it doesn't have to develop into anything more than that. Not that I'm sure you'd mind if it did. My only concern for you in that case would be that from what you've said here, you obviously respect him a great deal and admire him a lot, and I think if you developed a physical relationship with him, it might be difficult for you to maintain emotional distance and be satisfied with things remaining at a physical level only. Considering that he is your superior at work, and if he is all of the things you said, he may not appreciate that, and you could end up... being hurt.

It's definitely a difficult situation; I don't envy you it.

You raise some very valid points.

Ah. Probably. I have a tendency to give unsolicited advice... My apologies.

No, it's all right. You're very right. I have needed to hear it from someone else, I think, and there's not many people I confide in anymore.

So long as I haven't offended you. That definitely wasn't my intention.

I suppose you what it might be best to ask yourself is what it is you want from him, what you would be prepared to settle for, and what it is you think that is prepared to, or is in a position to, offer, and go from there.

Although that said, I am... naturally cautious, and I've been in a position not entirely dissimilar to your own before (and things got rather out of hand), so perhaps I'm a tad biased and my opinion is not to be entirely trusted.

You haven't offended.

Those are things I need to think about. The thing about the Captain is he's very overwhelming--it's difficult at times to keep one's head, if that makes sense. It'd be easy for things to get out of hand if I weren't paying attention.

Good.

I know exactly what you mean, yes. I've come to the conclusion that I personally am not suited to involvement with those types of people, but that's certainly not for everyone.

I tend to be drawn to strong personalities. My last girlfriend was very much the one in charge.

But I'm sure there's a difference between being a strong personality and overwhelming the personalities of others... Isn't there?

I think that depends on intention. I'm not saying the Captain--well, I'm not sure what I am saying. Or not saying. The Captain is a big presence. It's very easy to get swept up in him. And given that I am not a big presence, that he notices me anyway, it's flattering.

I'm not making any sense at all. I apologize.

It makes sense to me. I think I know what you mean. But I also think you underestimate yourself, and at any rate, there is certainly more to life than having a lot of presence, whether you do or not.

You obviously care for him a lot, but I would personally be wary of seeking the attentions of someone if I were flattered to find them interested in me. It seems to me that you think far more of him than you do of yourself, and that can potentially be very dangerous if you were to become involved.

How do you mean, dangerous?

For you, emotionally. Or even for both of you, literally, if your job is as dangerous as it seems to be and things were to go... wrong between you.

I see.

There's a lot of history between the two of us, not all of it pretty. And a lot of trust to be regained on both sides. Perhaps it is best to step back and be practical for a while.

That would be my advice (as usual).

I... rushed into a similar situation not too long ago, and had certain other parties not been involved, I suspect things would have ended very badly for everyone.

It's sad and it's unfortunate, but it might be your best course of action, for the moment at least.

Very well. Resolved: to take things slow and think it all over carefully.

The beauty of waiting is that you can ~~almost~~ always do whatever it is later; undoing something after you've rushed in is another story, however.

Good luck, regardless.

Thank you.

I'll try to keep you all updated on what happens. (Not in too much detail, of course. That would just be silly.)

Please do, and I hope it works out for you one way or another.

I'm on AIM sometimes, too, and my screenname... is not in my profile. I should fix that later. Anyway, it's gundamsmash, should you ever wish to talk.

Thank you. I'll keep that in mind.

So I'm coming into this a few days late, but I just wanted to say that I vaguely understand what you mean. (That sounded a lot better before I typed it out, honestly.)

My CO's kind of the same way. He's just one of those people who has it going on, and I'm never really sure why he thinks so highly of me. Can't say I've ever thought about kissing him...though maybe that would be a good idea. Might keep him off balance. He does it to the rest of us often enough (the keeping off balance, not the kissing. Although...let's just say there are rumors).

It might just be because I'm military, and we've got pretty strict rules about this sort of thing, but it seems like trying to make a relationship with your superior work would be more trouble than it's worth. If I were you, I'd make sure it was what you really, really wanted before I tried anything.

But what do I know, eh? I'm just a flyboy. ;)

A late opinion is still a valid one.

The rules of conduct in our organization are not particularly strict, so it's never been an issue of being fired over coming out. (If there were, the Captain never would have lasted as long as he has. He's very open.) For me it's not an issue of career: it's more like what

legofortress said above, there's a certain element of danger for my heart.

Which sounds rather melodramatic, I'm aware.

Melodrama is what makes life interesting. Otherwise it's just drama, and nobody wants that.

I think the dangerous for your heart business is what I meant. Regardless of regs (and the Air Force has pretty strict rules for relationships, gay or straight), it's dangerous to get involved with people you work with. Especially your boss. It makes things awkward, even if they do work out. And if they don't...well then things get really awkward.

Yes, I know. I've dated a colleague before. It was the worst breakup I've ever had.

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[internetcafe] the Captain

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