[internet cafe] fy calon i yn anafen

[likesthecoat]

I feel the need to explain myself a little. I loved a woman called Lisa. She died. I'm dealing with it--sometimes well, sometimes poorly.

Tonight has been one of the 'poorly' nights. I saw a woman on the street on the way home tonight who looked so much like Lisa I almost called her name.

Here's something they don't tell you about grief: sometimes it just hits you when you think you're fine, you're doing okay, you're going to get on with living. Just when I think I'm moving on and rebuilding my life, something small like this happens and completely wrecks me again. I feel blindsided by it, like I've been knocked down from behind.

I've been struggling with whether to leave this entry private, or filter it, or write it in Welsh just to say it without saying it--but I'm tired of hiding everything I feel even here.

This is really me, denizens of TIC, and in all honesty I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by being open.

I miss her. That's all it is, and it's so much.

Comments

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto]


Hey, I know this is one of those things people say when they don't know what else to say (kind of like "be safe" :)), but I kind of know where you're coming from. And we all have good days and bad days when we're dealing with this shit.

I saw a woman a couple weeks ago who reminded me of someone I'll never see again. It hurts, man. It fucks you up, and that's actually a good thing. It means you're still human, and that's (mostly) a good thing to be. Just take it as it comes. Deal with things in your own time. Okay, now I'm spouting psycho-babble, and that means it's time to stop.

Seriously though, you're a braver man than I am. It takes a lot of courage to be open about it.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

[Private to Lorne]

If it were a matter of knowing she was alive and well somewhere, even if it meant never seeing her again, I could deal with that.

I don't feel particularly brave. I feel more lost than ever.

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto]


The only people who feel brave are the ones who weren't afraid in the first place.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

[Private to Lorne]
That's oddly comforting, particularly coming from a military man.

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto]


Funny, that's pretty much what I thought when my dad said it to me.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

[Private to Lorne]
Your father is a wise man.

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto]


Yeah, he was.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

[Private to Lorne]
Has he passed? I'm sorry. I didn't realize.

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto]


Yeah, he died just before I started at the Academy. It's been a while. I'm only just now realizing that he was a pretty good guy.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

[Private to Lorne]
I think that's surprisingly common, not realizing what good men our fathers were until we're men ourselves.

[rockscientist.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto]


I suspect that's true. I wish it hadn't taken me so long, though.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

[Private to Lorne]
I think that's human nature, not seeing something until it's gone.