[internet cafe] fy calon i yn anafen

[likesthecoat]

I feel the need to explain myself a little. I loved a woman called Lisa. She died. I'm dealing with it--sometimes well, sometimes poorly.

Tonight has been one of the 'poorly' nights. I saw a woman on the street on the way home tonight who looked so much like Lisa I almost called her name.

Here's something they don't tell you about grief: sometimes it just hits you when you think you're fine, you're doing okay, you're going to get on with living. Just when I think I'm moving on and rebuilding my life, something small like this happens and completely wrecks me again. I feel blindsided by it, like I've been knocked down from behind.

I've been struggling with whether to leave this entry private, or filter it, or write it in Welsh just to say it without saying it--but I'm tired of hiding everything I feel even here.

This is really me, denizens of TIC, and in all honesty I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by being open.

I miss her. That's all it is, and it's so much.

Comments

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

[Private to Near]
Thank you.

She died a few months ago. She was ill for a long time before that.

[legofortress.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto]

A few months is nothing. Frankly, I'm amazed that it hasn't been longer-- from your general demeanor and ability to deal with things, I would never have known. Don't try to rush the grieving process or expect too much of yourself, or be disappointed or angry with yourself when it swells again. It hasn't been very long, and it's perfectly natural to still be experiencing the sort of thing you're talking about here.

It will get better. Of course it will.

But maybe not soon, and you'll probably always still miss her.

I don't think that's a bad thing. It means she touched your life, and was someone who meant something to you. I won't pretend to know what you're going through, but I have experienced loss, of a kind, and... Even though it hurts, that's a good thing, because it means we were lucky enough to have someone in our lives that meant something to us, even if we were unlucky enough to lose them... Though maybe it's different when it's a partner. I don't know.

In any case, I'm sorry. But I really do think you're holding up incredibly well, and you when you have days like these, you should just let yourself feel them. it's horrible, but natural, and as time goes on, the spaces between them will grow and you will have a life again, if you want one. You're a good person, so you deserve it, and you're strong, so you can make it happen.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

[Private to Near]
I'm very good at hiding things. Years of practice.

To be honest I feel like a fucking hypocrite. I've made no secret here about my feelings for Jack and at the same time I miss Lisa so much it's eating me up. I don't know what to do about either of them.

[legofortress.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto]

Well, so long as you're not trying to hide them from yourself, that's perfectly fine. In any case, the fact that you can do so while you're grieving is evidence of your ability to function, and it's very impressive.

There's nothing hypocritical in that. Missing one person does not mean that you can't have feelings for another. Some people would even say that it's possible to love two people at the same time, even when both of them are around, and it would of course be possible when one is absent. Your feelings for them both are different, from what I know of them, and not at all mutually exclusive, especially as you can't be with Lisa any more. There's no need to beat yourself up over that at all.

As to what to do with them... Your grief will always be with you, but there's nothing that can be done about it except to feel it, try to see the good in what it means, and wait for it to lessen with time. As for Jack... What do you want to do...?

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

[Private to Near]
What do I want with Jack? God, I can't even answer that question. I have his trust, as much as he trusts anyone, and he looks after me and I look after him, and he makes me laugh and I make him happy, and the only thing that's missing from this being a love affair is the love. (And the sex.)

[legofortress.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto]

That sounds like a good basis for an involvement to me. Is the love missing on both sides, do you think...?

As to the sex... Under normal circumstances, I'd tell you to stay away, but it sounds to me like you're already having those sorts of feelings for him, so I don't think it would make matters any worse, or you more attached to him. Do you want to be involved with him on that level?

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

[Private to Near]
I don't assume to know anything about what Jack feels. As T. once said, he'll shag anyone as long as they're gorgeous enough, and I think that's the main thing that's holding me back. I've no interest in being just another toy and I'm not convinced he's interested in anything else.

I know it's ridiculous of me, but sometimes, when it's dark and I'm alone and hurting, I think, If Jack were here he'd make it better. And it's absurd.

God. Writing it out like that makes me feel so pathetic.

[legofortress.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto]

Emotions make us all pathetic. I wouldn't worry about it. It's worth it so long as they make you happy, though. I think, anyway.

I wasn't asking what he felt so much as what you felt. Is he just a friend that you care for and are attracted to, or is it something more? As to just being another toy... Have you ever seen him be involved with a friend or work colleague before? It might be different in that case. He does very clearly have an attachment to you already, so maybe he would be less hesitant to deepen that than he would be to allow himself form an attachment to someone new in the first place...

Does being with him help you, when you're unhappy? Or have you never been in that situation with him, and it's just a feeling that you have? Do you think he would want to do that for you?

...Maybe things between the two of you wouldn't have to be the great grand romance of you life. Maybe you just need someone to be affectionate with as you're still grieving, and that might be enough for him if he's not interested in anything long-term. It might be worth considering, if you don't think his... inability to get involved in something... more wouldn't end up hurting you worse than you are now.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

[Private to Near]
I see: I thought you were asking if I think he loves me. He is a friend and I do care for him, but I also like to think I see him clearly, flaws and all. I suppose I've made it something of a hobby, watching Jack.

I've never seen him in a romantic relationship. He tells stories sometimes but they're mostly about sex that he's had.

He prefers to distract me than to talk about things, which I don't mind.

Maybe you're right: maybe I do just need someone to be gentle with me for a while. I don't know what the right thing is at all.

[legofortress.livejournal.com]

[Private to Ianto]

Oh, no; I think if you knew the answer to that question you'd either have put the idea out of your head entirely, or you'd have better things to do than sit here and talk to me... You can love someone even when you see their flaws, you know. I didn't really used to think that was true, but it is. There's a difference in love and blind love, I think, so you can still be in love with someone and still see their... less fine points. I can imagine you watch him a lot-- from the limted about that I've seen, he's a very interesting person. Although I get the feeling there's a great deal more to him than meets the eye. Any eye, at that.

I can well believe it. I only asked because I wondered if he might behave differently if it were someone he was involved with already (in a non-romantic sense) because he couldn't really get away from them afterwards, so he'd probably have to alter his behaviour, at least a little. Maybe he deliberately avoids 'office romances', then...?

But he has been there for you when you're hurt? It doesn't matter what he does or how he does it so long as he's seen you at your weakest and tried to make it better. It means he does care for you, at least.

It's interesting that you used the word gentle. I may be very wrong, but Jack doesn't particularly strike me as the type to be... emotionally gentle. As to what's right... Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but sod what's right. You need to work out what you want. I don't think you could hurt Jack by being with him unless he developed feelings for you and you were to turn him away-- but I don't think you'd do that. Therefore, the only person whose feelings you need to consider is yourself. Forget about what's right for a little while and focus on working out what it is that you want, and once you know that, it's a much better place to start out from.

[morethanteaboy.livejournal.com]

Comment filtering:

[Private to Near]
I don't love Jack, though. I like him. I want him. But that's not love and I doubt it ever will be. He has too many secrets for there to be that much trust.

As long as I've been here--which, I admit, has only been 18 months or so--he hasn't dated anyone, period. Which is not to say I know what he does after we've all left for the night. I have my assumptions, but it's not the kind of thing I ask for more details about.

If I could work out what I want . . . no, I know what I want. I just don't know how to get it.