[filtered]

[Filtered to Lorne]

I feel very strange without you. I'm used to missing you; but without being able to pop online and see your replies it's a new and different kind of missing, and I don't like it.

Not that I like the other kind, either, but . . . you know what I mean.

I've had two dreams about you this week. Both of them good. One of them also was kind of about my nephew Rhodri who sometimes (you know how things are in dreams, things change all the time) was also our child . . . I woke up from that one confused but glad.

All I can say is that it's been on my mind since Rhodri was born. Euan and I were always close when I was growing up, so I suppose his becoming a father has made my own desire for it a bit more pronounced. And I have wanted it, I can't deny that. Sometimes I still do. Sometimes I think it's a mad thing to want and it would only be asking for trouble.

God, this is very serious, isn't it? Just showing you the places my mind has been going lately--if it has the side effect of scaring you off, I apologize.

Let me tell you a story. When my niece Carys was three years old Lisa and I were watching her one afteroon, and the two of them took a nap while I read in the lounge. Carys didn't want to sleep, though, so she came out to find me: I heard her creeping around, trying to keep quiet by walking on her toes, though she didn't try to hide, really. So I'd watch her over the top of my book and she'd pick her way into the lounge and then out again, and finally when she got tired of this she climbed up into the armchair with me and got under my arm. She didn't say anything and neither did I--she didn't even ask me to read to her, she just leaned her head against my chest and went back to sleep, just like that.

I love that much trust.

I'm sure I'll get over this eventually, like when I remember how much work babies are.

Still miss you.

[ooc: Comments are adult contenty.]

wait . . . what?

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